Jewish World Review Jan. 19, 2003 / 25 Teves, 5764
important news ....
The Mars Rover rolled out Thursday with its cameras aimed at
Mars and Planet Earth. They provided scary sights. When Martians
looked into the monitor and saw Michael Jackson dancing on a
truck, they thought one of their own was in trouble.
The Super Bowl turned down an offer by Bono to sing about
the AIDS epidemic during the halftime show. It could have been a
stroke of counter-programming genius. Everyone who's straight will
already have switched over to the Lingerie Bowl.
Starbucks opened its first coffee shop in Paris Friday.
Cultural purists say it will Americanize the French and they may
be right. Whoever walks into Starbucks for a double espresso walks
out convinced that they are the World's Only Superpower.
The Bachelorette premieres Wednesday starring Meredith
Phillips as the woman looking for Mr. Right. Her strategy was
brilliant. She moved to Iowa and told a pollster she's undecided,
and now she's got eight men chasing her everywhere she goes.
Howard Dean went to the First Baptist Church in Plains with
Jimmy Carter on Sunday. They don't believe in drinking, smoking or
premarital sex. It's one of the mysteries of the universe how
Jimmy Carter got elected president during the Disco Era.
The New York Times complained Tuesday that the early primary
states are too white to pick the president in this day and age. It
tends to doom liberals. Let's face it, Al Sharpton is never going
to finish better than last in the Iowa Caucasians.
The Iowa Caucuses provide the first real test for Democrats
tonight. Friends and neighbors will gather in each other's living
rooms to talk about what matters most to them. By tomorrow morning
the new Democratic front-runner could be Tupperware.
Senator John Kerry was revealed Friday to have advocated the
shutting down of the Department of Agriculture in an old speech.
That doesn't fly with Iowa farmers. They want their irrigation
projects, their price supports and their ethanol subsidies, and
most of all they want the U.S. government off their backs.
The Cooler starring Alec Baldwin opened last week to rave
reviews. It's about a guy who's such a bad luck charm that casinos
hire him to cool off hot players by standing behind them. It's the
Las Vegas equivalent of an endorsement by Al Gore.
Crocodile Hunter ratings skyrocketed after Steve Irwin was
taped holding his baby with one hand while feeding a crocodile
with the other. It's an exciting show. Eyewitnesses swear at the
beginning of the demonstration he was holding twins.
The Mars Rover rolled ten feet off its platform onto Mars
Thursday. It takes ten hours to drive one mile and there is no
oxygen. The only difference between Mars and Los Angeles is that
in Los Angeles the tires would have been stolen by now.
The Agriculture Department agreed to subsidize Florida
citrus growers after a big harvest. Thank goodness the problem was
just a glut. When Al Gore accused the Republicans of aiding global
warming during a blizzard Wednesday, everybody suspected Mad Tree.
The Iowa race tightened among the Democratic candidates
Friday. John Edwards jumped forward, Howard Dean skidded, John
Kerry sprinted ahead and Dick Gephardt hung on by his fingernails.
Laurel and Hardy looked better pushing a piano up a hill.
John Kerry held a surprise lead in the Iowa Caucus polls last week, buoyed by support of the state's Vietnam vets. He took a helicopter tour of the state Thursday. John Kerry loves the smell of ethanol in the morning, it smells like victory.
Appreciate this writer's work? Why not sign-up for JWR's daily update. It's free. Just click here.