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Jewish World Review Jan. 9, 2003 / 15 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Queen Elizabeth christened the Queen Mary 2 in Southampton on Thursday. She is brilliant. The only way to change the subject from Princess Diana's car crash is to launch the largest ocean liner ever built at the height of the iceberg season.

Joe Gibbs returned to coach the Washington Redskins and left auto racing. He faces a new language. If NFL players took his commercial advice and lubricated their joints with Pennzoil it would take Red Adair three weeks to put out the party.

The Detroit Auto Show astonished car reporters with the gigantic size of the new SUVs on the convention floor Wednesday. One thing is clear. Sport Utility Vehicles provide proof that the obesity epidemic in America isn't limited to people.

Saddam Hussein was promised a fair trial by Baghdad jurists Wednesday. He is quite the philosopher. Saddam believes if you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day, but if you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Howard Dean declared Wednesday his Christian faith led him to sign the Civil Union Law for gay couples in Vermont. This isn't working. If he's going to try to communicate with Southerners by discussing religion, he shouldn't bring up the Union.

Tour of Duty by historian Douglas Brinkley is a new book about John Kerry's combat heroism in Vietnam and his antiwar activism afterwards. The book tells how when he returned from the war, he threw his medals over the White House fence. It's an old superstition believed to guarantee that you will someday marry a ketchup heiress.

Powerball winner Jack Whittaker of West Virginia was charged with threatening to kill a bartender. A few months ago, five hundred grand was stolen from his van at a strip bar. They say life imitates art but more often it imitates Tonya Harding.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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