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Jewish World Review June 16, 2000 / 13 Iyar 5760

Julia Gorin

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Consumer Reports

Itís the sex, stupid --
WAS IT just my wild imagination, or did the president a few weeks ago officially declare AIDS a threat to national security?

Imagine! AIDS is a threat to our security, and Bill Clinton is not. But that ís not the point. The point is to justify as much funding for AIDS research as possible. (Talk about creative fundraising!)

But what is AIDS, after all? First and foremost, itís something one wouldnít wish on anybody or anything. At a close second, however, itís a sexually transmitted disease.

Letís review, then: The leader of the free world has declared an STD a threat to national security. Not journalist-posing spies running loose in the State Department. Not China. Not the half-dozen (so far) security risks he appointed to high-level offices (including the CIA chief), several of whom are currently being investigated for security breaches. These are not priority concerns for the man whoís supposed to care most about the country. Only a sex disease makes the list.

Because to the people who put him in office twice, sex is a top priority. They want to keep having lots of sex with lots of people. And they donít like when stuff gets in the way of their sex plans.

But isnít it high time they came out and admitted that just about everything on the official and unofficial liberal platform is either directly or indirectly linked to sex? Leftiesí positions on the issues show theyíre mostly thinking about their positions in bed:

1. Anti-religion: Because why be burdened with morals when the goal is to have as much sex as possible?

2. Drug legalization: Drugs reduce inhibition, cloud judgment and enhance sensation.

3. Pro-homosexuality: More people to have sex with.

4. Pro-welfare: So people can stay home and have sex all day.

5. Gun ban: So they can come into your house and have sex with your wife without getting shot.

6. Condoms in schools: So the kids can get a head start.

7. Liberal college education: So they can teach your kids to have homosexual sex and more sex in general.

8. Nationalized healthcare: So you can pay to treat all their sex diseases.

9. Pro-abortion: So they can have sex indiscriminately, without precaution, and not have to be burdened with consequences. (No great lossÖItíd be at least 12 years before the little bugger would be old enough to have sex, anyway)

10. Anti-prisons: Because the more people in jail, the fewer people to have sex with.

11. Anti-capital punishment: The more people killed, the fewer people for the other prisoners to have sex with. (Theyíre very sympathetic to the plight of the prisoner.)

12. Anti-military: Why fight your enemies when you could be having sex with them?

13. Women in the military: Breed lovers instead of fighters.

14. Affirmative Action: To diversify the sexplaceóI mean, workplace.

15. AIDS as #1 cause: So those afflicted could be put back into circulation. (The mettlesome old STDs were one thingóthey were willing to risk a nose falling offóbut this AIDS is a real bummer.)

So the presidentís recent declaration is cause for celebration, especially among AIDS activists and impassioned, sympathetic celebrities who canít seem to leave the house without a red ribbon. "Find a cure!" the ribbon screams from their lapels. (I suppose if I wanted to have sex with every co-star I did a scene with, Iíd be in a hurry to find a cure, too. If they want to cure AIDS, they can start by keeping their legs shut more often.) "Broadway Cares! Equity Fights AIDS!" reads their ubiquitous slogan. But from what I can tell, Actors Equity Spawns AIDS.

Just look at how actresses fall all over themselves to wax poetic in the Vagina Monologuesóto get the chance to talk to a roomful of strangers about orgasms, masturbation, lesbian sex, rape and, of course, their busy vaginas.

Just look at how sex in the movies was roundly rewarded this year: "American Beauty", "Cider House Rules", "The End of the Affair", "Boys Donít Cry", "The Talented Mr. Ripley" and others.

Then, just as we thought the emotional bankruptcy of the sexual revolution was becoming more evident than ever, the runaway TV success "Sex in the City" gives us more. Its 30-something spring chickens, who should have families by now--or be somewhat focused on getting there--provide validation and encouragement for the promiscuous lives of single young (and not so young) women in the city. In case you thought this lifestyle was making you miserable, a top TV show says you're living right. A show where the starlets indulge in one-night stands, followed by braggadocio and then casual discussion of their resulting infections has become the great equalizer of women. From the city's flightiest Psych major to its most eloquent literati, women wait with baited breath for the next episode. Congratulations to Hollywood for tapping the lowest common denominator to bond bimbos with college professors who've made it their life's struggle to avoid becoming one: Sex.

If anyone needs still more convincing, he or she might compare the battles of the Right with the battles of the Left: While the Right was busy delegitimizing Communism, the Left achieved the Sexual Revolution. (If you can get the milk for free, why buy the whole cow?) To their credit, however, is the Civil Rights movement. But apparently, they were so proud of themselves for doing good, they havenít been able to stop fornicating for three decades.

Sex even clouded their judgment on the recent Elian Gonzales saga. Weeks before the raid, I overheard what started as a conversation about Fidel Castro quickly disintegrate into a discussion of the dictatorís probable bedside manner.

"Who would you rather have as president: Alan Keyes, or Fidel Castro?" a middle-aged woman posed to a group of middle-aged-plus acquaintances.

"Fidel!" they all shouted in unison.

"But I have a feeling Fidel isnít very creative in bed," pondered the questioner.

"Oh, I think heís got a few tricks up his sleeve," admonished an elderly bohemian female.

"Probably does," added a middle-aged male. "Remember that little whirlwind affair he had with Barbara Walters."

"Really? Barbara?"

"Donít tell me you didnít know! That oneís been out there since the 70s."

Meanwhile, theyíve sending Elian backóan offering to Fidel Castro, because they canít go to Cuba to have sex with him personally.

Indeed, itís this ongoing dedication to free love that saved Bill Clintonís presidency last year. Impeaching the president was not about sex. Not convicting himówas. For he is their sex icon, and they stand in utter awe. They can only dream of living La Vida Clinton. Interestingly, in the process we found out that sexual harassment isnít that uncool with them after allómaybe even a little arousing, in a way.

AIDS, however, is still definitely not cool. But neither is it a threat to national security. If anything, itís a threat to the presidentís penis. Which IS a threat to national security. Maybe thatís what he meant to say. Come to think of it, the man has been looking notably thinner these days. And he still refuses to disclose his medical records. Maybe heís in the biggest hurry of all for a cure.

JWR contributor Julia Gorin is a journalist and stand-up comic residing in Manhattan. Send your comments by clicking here.


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04/14/00: The most violent people
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03/17/00: Patronizing the patron
02/18/00: No one likes a hater without a cause
02/04/00: Bubba's big break
12/21/00: The Sport of Sitting
11/19/99: He wants his brother back!
11/15/99: Hollywood: Just jamming
10/29/99: Bomb all bans
10/04/99: Welcome, Mr. Buchanan!
09/24/99: The Financing of Hill's House
09/10/99: 'I cause your pain'
08/20/99: Believing the hype
08/09/99: Chickens bombing ... chickens?
07/30/99: Why I'm eating so much chocolate
07/16/99: The reluctant partisan
06/29/99: Maddy and Bill went up the (Capitol) Hill
04/29/99: "Never again"? This isn't exactly what we had in mind
03/19/99: The Thin Yellow Line
03/03/99: How many more are out there?
10/19/98: Got milk? Donít know. Do I?
07/30/98: Kofi Annan's crimes against sensibility
05/15/98: Susan McDougal: a real stand-up kinda guy
01/08/98: In defense of the appetizing shiksa

© 2000, Julia Gorin