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Jewish World Review Dec. 23, 2004 / 11 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Philadelphia Eagles superstar Terrell Owens was injured on Sunday and knocked out for the season. The hospital staff wasn't much help. He told the doctor he broke his ankle in two places and the doctor told him to stop going to those places.

The Aviator, a film about Howard Hughes, opens in movie theaters Friday. The aviation pioneer and Hollywood mogul was a role model to a generation. It was a handshake with Howard Hughes that inspired young Jack Kennedy to enter the field of womanizing.

The University of Arkansas announced Monday it bought the Fayetteville house where Bill and Hillary Clinton were married and lived thirty years ago. It is already a landmark. Over the bed is a plaque inscribed Bill Clinton Never Slept Here.

Washington D.C. finally reached a deal Tuesday to fund a Major League Baseball stadium. It's in a bad neighborhood. To be any closer to the heart of the town's prostitution business they'd have to play whiffle ball underneath the U.S. Capitol dome.

French president Jacques Chirac will visit Washington in March. We saved them in two world wars and we took Vietnam off their hands. Being allied with France is like being married to a very beautiful woman who keeps coming home with a disease.

Saddam Hussein, through his lawyer Monday, warned Iraq that the U.S. is planning to divide Iraq into three countries. Martha Stewart just got a new television show while in prison and Saddam Hussein is winning a war from his jail cell. Robert Blake is starting to think it just might be better for his career if he's convicted.

Tony Blair paid a surprise visit to Baghdad Monday to boost the troop morale there. Then on Tuesday he flew to Israel to try to get the peace process rolling. Ariel Sharon has some ideas about Northern Ireland that could lead to a breakthrough.

The White House won a trade dispute with the EU on Tuesday. U.S. exporters may be allowed to use geographic trade names. For some reason, vegetables and fruits are more desirable as Idaho Potatoes or Florida Oranges or Beverly Hills Cantaloupes.

USC considered hiring Bobby Knight as its basketball coach Tuesday. He would be a perfect fit. When you consider earthquakes, brushfires, floods and mudslides, the only thing Los Angeles doesn't have is something that could erupt any minute.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton