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Jewish World Review Dec. 16, 2004 / 4 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Scott Peterson was recommended the death penalty by a California jury Monday for double murder. He was so obviously guilty that no one can believe he was really convicted. People forget that fishing has a lot less charisma than football.

Bernard Kerik was revealed Monday to have had a secret wife before his two known marriages which actually overlapped. He then cheated on his third wife with two women. It's a good thing the Scott Peterson jury disbanded or he would be a dead man.

Desperate Housewives got a Golden Globe nomination Monday in the category of Best Comedy. The viewer ratings are great but it's not making the producer very much money. Most of the revenue goes to pay royalties to the Clinton Administration.

The Pentagon said Tuesday Saddam Hussein is doing well in his cell. The Red Cross visited him and was pleased to see he hasn't lost his touch. He's trained one cockroach to make a hundred fifty silverfish gather all the breadcrumbs for him.

George Tenet got the Medal of Freedom Tuesday despite missing the September 11th attacks and imagining weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He didn't see what was right in front of him and he saw things that weren't there. If we really want to make America more secure we should ban mushrooms from the CIA cafeteria menu.

Tom Ridge admitted his color-coded threat level warning system isn't working. Still, some of his ideas have been a hit. Yesterday a little boy was suspended from pre-school in Los Angeles when he tried to talk a little girl into playing airport screener.

David Boren defended his decision to ban alcohol at the University of Oklahoma on NBC News Tuesday. The vice has its upside. Whenever a student went missing they put his picture on the side of a bottle of Scotch and they haven't lost one yet.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton