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Jewish World Review Nov. 17, 2003 /22 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Master and Commander stars Russell Crowe as a navy captain in the Napoleonic Wars. He blows the French out of the ocean. The battle scenes are so realistic that the Democrats have begun demonstrating outside the theaters to protest the war.

Buckingham Palace will host a U.S. president for the first time in history this week. Previous presidents stayed at a convenient hotel. If Bill Clinton were the visiting president you could bet he would be going back and forth from Paris Hilton.

England went on alert Friday due to threats of attacks by al-Qaeda. Security is always a concern in London. The metal detector at the entrance to Prince Charles's compound beeps upstairs every time a man walks through wearing one earring.

Hillary Clinton used her Iowa appearance Saturday night to promote a book signing in a Des Moines store the next day. She's got a huge bestseller. The way Hillary Clinton's books fly off the shelf confirms the Republican belief that she's a witch.

Democrats declared victory following a 39-hour debate on judicial nominees. When votes were held on three judges, the Democrats successfully blocked all of them. The Washington Redskins just asked the Senate Democrats if they do field goals.

Don Rumsfeld went to Tokyo Friday after Japan reneged on its promise to send troops to Iraq. The Japanese really have an obligation to help us out here. After all, they're the ones who invented the idea of flying airplanes into buildings.

Wynonna Judd sent an e-mail letter to her fans Friday apologizing for getting arrested for drinking and driving in Nashville. She never got into any trouble before in her life. People were starting to question her commitment to country music.

Sports Illustrated reports co-ed flag football is the hottest new fad on the campuses of major colleges. It's a blast. The sport not only provides women with the joy of playing football, it teaches young men future career-ending office skills.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is inaugurated Governor of California today. What were we thinking? The governor took a pay cut from thirty million a picture to under two hundred thousand a year and he ran as the man who would bring business sense to Sacramento.

Major League Baseball said Thursday all players will be tested for steroids next year. The drug increases muscle, shrinks testicles and enlarges male breast size. The commissioner had to do something before Barry Bonds breaks Dolly Parton's record.

Georgia gave thirty million dollars to a man with two winning Lotto tickets Friday. He had no idea his first ticket won and forgot he even bought a second ticket. The CIA picked him up immediately and offered him a corner office and full medical.

Dennis Miller, it was revealed Tuesday, is considering a run for the U.S. Senate in California. The same day Al Franken said he may run for U.S. Senate in Minnesota. The problem with political jokes is that you never know when they might get elected.

The Weather Channel showed footage Friday of a freak storm that hit Southern California. Four inches of hail fell on every lawn in Watts. It looked like the Democratic Party's dream of free drugs for all seniors had finally become a reality.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton