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Jewish World Review Oct. 31, 2003 /5 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | CBS President Les Moonves said Wednesday he will edit The Reagans miniseries into a fairer picture about the Gipper. Every story has two sides. Hollywood has always intended to show both the heartless conservative and the trigger-happy cowboy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Congress for aid on Wednesday. The fire threatens everything he holds dear. The Mr. Universe Contest is being held in Venice Beach today, and if the body oil catches fire it will take Red Adair to put out the winner.

Governor Gray Davis denied Wednesday he reacted too slowly to the California wildfires. His legacy will not be pretty. In addition to running a huge surplus into a record deficit and being recalled from office, he just killed Bambi's mother.

California authorities vowed Wednesday to track down the two arsonists who started the fires and bring them to justice. They are overwhelmed with tips. Forty million people reported seeing Shaq and Kobe rubbing each other the wrong way.

Fire Department officials ripped environmentalists Wednesday for blocking access roads in the mountains to protect Kangaroo Rat habitats. It makes no sense. If teenagers can breed in the back seat of a Volkswagen, does a rodent need three thousand acres?

President Bush behaved combatively at his press conference in the Rose Garden on Tuesday. He's having problems at the retail level. His Justice Department is busting Wal-Mart, the IRS is closing Kmart, and Paul Wolfowitz is the latest Target.

Tom DeLay defended General Jerry Boykin for declaring that America is a Christian nation. No one else will say a word. Walter Mondale once said the Divine has no place in American politics and it turned out that the Divine felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

Wesley Clark accused President Bush of causing the September 11th attack. He himself once issued an order to attack the Russian Army in Kosovo. Wesley Clark walked out of the movie Dr. Strangelove because he just didn't see what was so funny.

Howard Dean told a crowd in Colorado Tuesday that he is a metrosexual. Don't worry. It's just the latest slang for straight men in touch with their feminine side, not an environmentalist who loves his Geo Metro a little more than is natural.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech Wednesday to the Center for American Progress in Washington. The solar flares were arriving and she wanted to be outside to feel the magnetic storm. The older you get, the more you appreciate good hair days.

Princess Diana was laid bare Tuesday by her butler's tell- all book about her life as Princess of Wales. Royal weddings are fun in England. Traditionally the bride gets to sleep with someone old, someone new, someone borrowed and the caterer.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton