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Jewish World Review Oct. 27, 2003 / 1 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Woody Allen wrote a letter to publishers last week offering to write his autobiography for ten million dollars. He promised to tell all. The book is intended to cover his whole life, from his days on the playground to his days on the playground.

Sir Elton John signed Friday to perform at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. His health has been a subject of rumors but he dismissed reports of throat problems. Elton John doesn't go near white tigers either professionally or in his personal life.

The Royal Family asked Princess Diana's butler Thursday to withhold his tell-all biography. Prince William and Prince Harry led the charge. The writer is being pressured by so much blue blood his fountain pen has begun giving mating calls.

Democrats expressed outrage Friday that immigration agents raided Wal-Mart and busted the cleaning crews. How the illegal aliens got there is a mystery. None of the officers thought to look inside any of the barrels labeled Janitor in a Drum.

The Concorde made its last flight from New York to London Friday. It proved it's a cold world. Americans once fought seven years to leave England and ended up spending nine thousand dollars per ticket to return to England five hours faster.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was visited Thursday by California Attorney General Bill Lockyer about all the sexual harassment charges made against him. The law itself is two-tiered. Under the law in California, if a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, and if a woman talks dirty to a man, it's three dollars a minute.

Liza Minnelli filed for divorce Thursday after her husband revealed she drank two quarts of vodka a day. He can only take so much. The last straw was when she blew out the candles on their second anniversary cake and his evening gown exploded.

The Barna Research Group ran a poll which found eighty percent of Americans believe in an afterlife. It doesn't necessarily favor Republicans. If you don't think Democrats believe in eternity, ask Hillary Clinton how long it is until 2008.

Japan promised $5 billion to rebuild Iraq, and Germany offered $236 million. These two countries are in no hurry. They know that once a country loses a war to the U.S., it's just a matter of time before they are the world's leading automaker.

The Supreme Court ruled the Justice Department can't penalize physicians who advise medical marijuana. Last week in Los Angeles, one student gave his teacher two notes from the doctor. They excused him for being sick yesterday and high today.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton