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Jewish World Review Sept. 28, 2004 / 13 Tishrei, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | CBS News said Sunday Dan Rather will anchor the presidential debates despite rumors of the anchor's imminent firing. People who thought Dan Rather would be with CBS forever forgot the first rule of show business. Only penguins mate for life.

Deion Sanders, after two years of NFL retirement, left CBS Sports last week to play cornerback for the Baltimore Ravens. He's trying to improve his skills as a football analyst. Three more concussions and he will be as good as Terry Bradshaw.

Major League Baseball agreed Friday to move the Montreal Expos to Washington D.C. It's bad news for Rickey Henderson. Every time the budget bill comes up there will be four hundred thirty- five congressmen competing for the all-time steal record.

The Kerry campaign said Sunday it made a mistake answering one question from Outdoor Life magazine. They said the senator's favorite gun is his Communist Chinese assault rifle and they meant to say Communist Chinese single-bolt rifle. Either way you simply can't send a clearer signal that you intend to nationalize the steel industry.

John Kerry asked Wednesday that the debate room temperature be below seventy degrees because he sweats. Image is everything. Politicians look a lot better in debates ever since Max Factor invented a new television makeup called Instant Honest.

President Bush is leading John Kerry in an unscientific poll by a chili company in Nashville. They sold twenty-four hundred cans of Conservative Republican Texas Chili Beans and only twenty- two hundred cans of Liberal Democrat Boston Baked Beans. We have got a lot of nerve accusing Saddam Hussein of gassing his own people.

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