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Jewish World Review Sept. 16, 2004 / 29 Elul, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The Miss America Pageant will be televised on Saturday in Atlantic City. The pageant says the event encourages women's education by giving the winner a full college scholarship. That's just what CalTech needs, bulimics who play the ukulele.

New Orleans was warned to evacuate Tuesday due to the uncertainty over where Hurricane Ivan might land. Not everyone minded the evacuation order. The jazz community in the French Quarter never needs any encouragement to seek higher ground.

The Texas Rangers suspended a pitcher for hurling a chair into the bleachers and beaning a woman Monday. The first rule of any business is never kill the customer. If OPEC could grasp this simple concept, the War on Terror would be over by Tuesday.

Downfall is a controversial German movie that portrays Adolf Hitler as a madman as well as a charmer who seduced a nation. It proves what anyone could learn by watching home remodeling shows on cable television. Never trust a house painter.

Oprah Winfrey got a ton of good publicity Monday when she gave away Pontiacs to everyone in her studio audience. This could start a trend. If you're lucky enough to get a ticket to the presidential debates, you could end up with your own highway.

John Kerry hired President Clinton's former White House press secretary Mike McCurry on Tuesday. He will be bored out of his mind. When you've worked for Indiana Jones, the problems of Thurston Howell III don't really get your blood pumping.

John Kerry told seniors in Milwaukee Tuesday that the White House is hiding the truth about higher Medicare premiums. The good news is, he reminds a lot of seniors of Humpbrey Bogart. The bad news is, it's Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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