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Jewish World Review August 9, 2004 /22 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Bill Clinton refused an offer to host NBC's Saturday Night Live but he agreed to appear on Comedy Central. There's nothing he loves like a good political joke. She stood by him during impeachment when she could have smothered him in his sleep.

The Richard Nixon Presidential Library today marks the thirtieth anniversary of his resignation. His influence is great. The swearing and racial slurs revealed on his Oval Office tapes secure his place in American history as the Father of Rap Music.

John Kerry went to the Grand Canyon the moment he got to Arizona Sunday. The state is debating a ballot measure to prevent illegal immigrants from getting state benefits, and as a soldier he instinctively dove for the deepest foxhole he could find. It's not like Vietnam, he could really get killed on this issue.

John Kerry was blasted in a new ad by his fellow Vietnam swift boat veterans Friday. They dispute his medal-winning heroism. They say John Kerry phonied up his wounds, which if true, would mean that his dependence on ketchup is nothing new.

John Daly signed to be the commercial spokesman for Dunkin Donuts on the PGA Tour Friday. It's a red-hot product. Ever since the government said obesity is an illness, people are staying home from work on Monday mornings and calling in fat.

John Kerry said last week how much he loves the Ohio State Buckeyes. He said it in Michigan. It mortifies Democrats to know that on the most important issue to millions of Americans this fall, President Bush has the intellectual high ground.

Detroit voters decided Tuesday to legalize medical marijuana. It's not clear when the law will take effect. As long as it's before the Dallas Cowboys arrive for their annual Thanksgiving Day game, Bill Parcells won't lose another quarterback.

Kobe Bryant was told Thursday his trial will begin in September despite plea bargain rumors. Let's hope so. By then the presidential contest will be so ugly the country will welcome the relative peace and quiet of an interracial rape trial.

The Dow Jones fell Thursday as oil prices hit forty-four dollars a barrel on the spot market. It's already an election issue. In a valiant effort to connect with real people, Teresa Heinz Kerry has given up bath oil and switched to Mr. Bubble.

John Kerry addressed Missouri voters Thursday and described America's enemy as one that hides out in hills and strikes in guerrilla fashion. That's no way to carry Missouri. He might as well have called Jesse James an outlaw to their faces.

Bill Clinton was mobbed by thousands of women Thursday at his book signing in Toronto. They sense a chance for fame and fortune. Comedians weren't the only ones to notice that Hillary would not kiss him onstage at the Democratic Convention.

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