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Jewish World Review August 2, 2004 /15 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Pentagon triggered public fury last Monday when it disclosed that U.S. military plastic surgeons have been giving free breast implants and nose jobs to female soldiers. The male soldiers get something too. They get court-martialed for adultery.

Fidel Castro aired Fahrenheit 9/11 on state-run television after the movie played for only one week to packed movie houses in Cuba. This is the last time Michael Moore strikes a profit-participation deal with a communist. It's enough to turn a guy Republican.

Hillary Clinton went to a spa Friday to rest after the Democratic Convention finally ended. Last week was a nightmare for the New York senator. She didn't know if she was awake or asleep, but she kept seeing Barack Obama and John Edwards go flying by her.

John Kerry's daughters joined him on the campaign trial Friday. The family stories in their convention speeches humanized their dad. Everyone left Boston wondering if they can live for four years with a president who gave CPR to a hamster.

The Democratic Convention ended in spectacular fashion in Boston on Thursday night. Everybody who watched it came away with the same feeling. John Kerry has possibilities but his wife Teresa may be the best thing for comedy since Bill Clinton.

John Kerry presented his case to a cheering crowd Thursday at the Democratic Convention in Boston. His tone was optimistic. He kept repeating that help is on the way until he sounded like Bob Dole manning the phones at the Viagra hot line.

John Kerry opened up about his life and connected with the convention crowd Thursday, displaying humility and charisma. Colleagues who have known him for thirty years had one question after this speech. What does the Devil get in return?

John Kerry and John Edwards went on a Pennsylvania bus tour Friday to discuss kitchen table issues with real people. Things got very emotional. Some of the kitchens didn't have a bell chord and Kerry had to shake his keys to get any service.

John Kerry released a letter he wrote to President Kennedy in 1963 thanking him for his hospitality at the America's Cup race off Newport. The president chose to watch America's 12-meter sloop Wetherly defeat Australia's Gretel rather than stay in Washington to watch Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream Speech. To some people calm winds will always be the real race problem.

Anna Nicole Smith denied having stomach stapling surgery Tuesday to suddenly to get her figure back. She lost eighty pounds the same week the richest man in America, Warren Buffett, became a widower. The question is, does she have an alibi?

Illinois Republicans finally forced Jack Ryan Thursday to quit the U.S. Senate race. Last month he said he would withdraw after humiliating sex revelations but his name was still on the ballot. Nobody retires from show business without a fight.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton