Why the Jack Harlow-led 'White Men Can't Jump' reboot should never happen

I'm not as bothered by the concept of the rebooted movie as I used to be. I used to hate them like I hate wet eggs and dry shin skin. Like I hated Eboni Thomas for a week in fifth grade after she said I smell like leaves. And just so you know that this antipathy ain't just movie snobbery, I saw "Fast Five" - and "Fast & Furious 6" and "Furious 7" and "The Fate of the Furious" (and the limited release "Furious Is a Synonym for Mad") - in the theater. Day 1. Midnight viewing. And bought a Dodge Charger two months later.

Anyway, the reboots keep happening. Which means there's obviously an audience for this spate of uncanny nostalgic valley. So, I've decided to stop hating a harmless thing that seems to bring people joy.

I'm not even mad at the recent decision to reboot "White Men Can't Jump." I thought the original was good. The ending was weird, but the premise was great, and the casting was almost perfect. And if Hollywood has space for 17,000 dives into Boston's underworld why not revisit the bountiful collision of street ball, hustling and racial stereotype?

It's possible I'm into it just because hustling on hoop courts is a subject I have an intimate knowledge of. One of my oldheads at Pittsburgh's Pennley Park used to bet his boys that they couldn't beat me in a three-point contest.

The ones who didn't know me would take one look at this snotty-nosed, bucktoothed, egg-headed 11-year-old and think easy money. Splitting the cash me and my oldhead would eventually win was almost as fun as watching their faces drop when I'd swish my first six.

I'll also concede the possibility that Jack Harlow, who has been reportedly cast as the one of the leads, has some untapped acting chops. I know that he is a popular rapper. I do not know if his music is good, and I've made peace with that decision. But who knows? Maybe he's the next Brando. That doesn't matter, though. What does matter - and why I'm diametrically opposed to this particular reboot - is that Jack Harlow is not good at playing basketball.

I watched him play in the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game in February. He runs while dribbling like if Frankenstein had irritable bowel syndrome. He shoots like he's shot-putting a bag of jeans into an SUV sunroof. Of course, there's nothing wrong with any of this. If you are a person who shoots a basketball like your elbows are bacon bits, or dribbles a basketball like it has measles, good for you!

I'm glad you're active at least! But if you are a person who is supposed to portray someone who is good enough at basketball that you could conceivably hustle actual ball players, you have to be . . . good enough at basketball that you could conceivably hustle actual ball players. Jack Harlow is not.

"But wait!" I imagine the seven of you who care about this asking. "Woody Harrelson wasn't exactly Steph Curry either. What's the difference between him and Harlow?" Well, Woody wasn't bad. He had a funky shot, but handled and moved with an ease and fluidity that only exists if you've actually played. He belonged out there. Jack Harlow belongs on the bleachers. Jack Harlow belongs at the bleacher factory. I'm sure he's a fine young man, though. (He does have quite the admirable curl pattern too.)

Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

This segues to a long-standing beef I've had with Hollywood. Basketball is not a sport like football or baseball where if an actor is physically fit and can run, jump and catch, they can believably portray a linebacker or a center fielder or something. To be even passably decent at basketball requires hundreds of hours of playing it, and no directing or fancy editing can obscure that. Which is why most basketball scenes on screen, even the ones depicting the NBA, look like someone just found some really tall third-graders with SAG-AFTRA cards.

Maybe they'll surprise me. Maybe Jack Harlow will get much, much, much better between now and filming. Maybe Kenya Barris - who co-wrote the script (and bought the rights to my book too) - has penned the first basketball movie with no actual basketball played in it, which I would be into! Just not the current version of Jack Harlow on the basketball court. We already had to suffer through Wesley Snipes in the original, who hooped like he learned how to hoop by listening to Kurtis Blow.

I thought reboots are supposed to bring people joy. This reboot would bring me no joy.

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Previously:
• 05/26/22 I avoided covid for two years. Until now. Here's what I've learned
• 05/19/22 A bidet changed my life! Why don't I own a bidet?
• 05/12/22 A letter to that man who emailed me to correct my grammar
• 05/05/22 No, I will absolutely not switch airplane seats with you
• 04/14/22 How do you mourn the end of a friendship?
• 04/08/22 Living in introvert heaven?
• 04/01/22 We don't need to talk about Kanye. (I do, though.)
• 03/16/22 Am I leaving Spotify? That question is dumb
• 03/10/21 A story about some words I can't say
• 03/01/21 Invisalign at 42. Here's why. (It's about more than teeth.)
• 02/17/21 Meet my dad --- the Grim Reaper's publicist