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Jewish World Review May 14, 2004 / 23 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Troy opens today with Brad Pitt as the muscular super warrior Achilles whose only mortal weakness was his heel. He's a classic hero. California just elected a muscular super warrior as the state governor whose only mortal weakness is his hands.

The Automobile Club said Monday high gas prices are causing people to cancel summer trips. There are alternatives to vacations. The same relaxing experience is available if you just stay home for two weeks and tip every third person you see.

The Mexican Air Force while on patrol Sunday reported seeing a dozen glowing spaceships in the night sky over Mexico. The report was received with the usual skepticism. Only the fringe element sincerely believes that Mexico has an air force.

Smarty Jones was listed Wednesday as the favorite to win the Preakness. After his racing career is over he will enjoy a long retirement on a stud farm. The only thing Bill Clinton's bachelor pad in Chappaqua lacks right now is pony rides.

John Kerry said Wednesday he is proud that his wife Teresa is outspoken. He lives in her five houses, he flies in her jet plane and he drives her three SUVs. Their hobbies include doing whatever she likes and running the planet out of fossil fuels.

John Kerry said Wednesday he thinks President Bush should fire Don Rumsfeld and replace him with Senator John McCain. How cruel. It's just like a Democrat to want to see President Bush tortured in his cabinet meetings by a prisoner of war.

Don Rumsfeld withstood withering questioning in the Senate Wednesday over his approved techniques for interrogation of prisoners. He said he approved the use of dietary changes, interrupted sleep and stress positions. Yoga mellows everybody out.

Viagra took out full-page advertisements in major newspapers Monday offering a free Viagra prescription with every six prescriptions filled. It went over well. Some customers were so excited by the discount they no longer needed the pill.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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