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Handling a child's rowdy or disobedient behavior is not something that comes to us naturally. It is a skill that must be learned, practiced and adapted. Often, it is a skill born of multiple missteps as we try management techniques that blow up in our faces.
If you've struggled to know how to approach a child who is acting out, if you've felt small or hopeless in the face of a child's misbehavior, know that you are not alone and you are not a failure. As you work diligently to create consistent boundaries with your child, both of your lives will be happier. Consider using some of the following ideas to help you get started — and remember, practice won't make perfect (no parent is), but it will make things much better!
If your child often shouts or cries inconsolably and asking him to calm down sometimes makes him more upset, try this subtle approach. Begin speaking just a touch louder than your child so he can hear you. Then, as you speak, gradually lower your own volume and/or slow the pace of your speech. Many children (and adults, for that matter) will subconsciously become quieter to hear what you're saying and will match the volume and tone of your voice when they resume speaking. This is a great way to de-escalate heated words and calm both you and your child, making way for a levelheaded discussion.
If your child "closes up" while discussing misbehavior, implement what education professionals call "wait time." Wait time is the terribly awkward silence that follows any question a child doesn't want to answer. It can range anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes, and though it can be uncomfortable for both the child and the adult, it is one of the most important parenting tools.
Wait time is not used to force children to speak; it forces adults to give children the opportunity to speak. Many of us pose questions to children, pausing only momentarily before answering our own questions or continuing our lectures. Understand that children often need a lot of time to collect their thoughts, especially when they are upset. Children also master the art of doing as little as they possibly have to. Why answer a question when they know you'll do it for them if they wait long enough? When you ask a question, show your child that you really do want an answer by waiting patiently for him to formulate his thoughts and feelings.
If your child resents rules or "kicks against the pricks," avoid using words like can't and don't. Telling a child he can't do something often makes the negative behavior more alluring. Present rules in terms of what your child can do, and emphasize behaviors he should be doing rather than those he shouldn't. Always be specific, giving your child measurable standards so he doesn't become frustrated by what he perceives as vague expectations (his definition of clean is probably very different from yours). For example, you might rephrase, "You can't have your phone because you didn't clean your room," to something like, "You can have your phone. Just make your bed and put away your laundry first."
If your child says, "No," when you ask for his cooperation, show him that you respect his right to choose between obedience and rebellion by outlining his options and explaining the consequences of each. Phrases like ,"You don't really have a choice in the matter," not only breed bitterness and resentment in children, but they are simply not true. Your child can choose to make life easy, and he can choose to make life very, very hard.
Children respond well to love and to logic. Help your child feel respected by acknowledging he has choices. Define the consequences (both good and bad) of each choice, and express loving concern by explaining that you want him to make the choice that will be best for him.
"You can choose to stop playing the X-box, and go study so you do well on your exam next week; or you can choose to keep playing the X-box, and I'll need to remove it until after your exam so it can't interfere with your studies. I love you and I want you to learn and succeed."
Of course, this method won't work unless you follow through with consequences, so only choose consequences you're willing to administer. Though it is okay to express disappointment over a child's choices, remember anger, threats and sarcasm are destructive.
If your child doesn't seem to take you seriously, consider things you might be doing to exacerbate the problem. Children smell bluffs from miles away and speak body language fluently. Never make promises (or consequences) you aren't going to honor. Face your child squarely when you speak to him and sit up straight. Though you're not trying to intimidate your child, you can kindly show him that you're not afraid of him. Place a hand gently on his shoulder, get down to his eye level and encourage eye contact. Avoid the words okay and alright. "I need you to stop hitting your sister, okay?" or "Be home by 11, alright?" If you mean business, don't inadvertently ask your child's permission.
Try implementing the parental "five second rule." If your child continues a negative behavior immediately after you've asked him to stop, it might be because he knows you're not really monitoring him. Don't tell your child to, "Keep his hands to himself," and then immediately turn your attention elsewhere. After correcting a behavior, try to maintain eye contact with your child for five seconds.
This gives him an opportunity to acknowledge that he understands your expectations and sends a clear message that you're involved.
If you feel like you're failing, know that you're normal. Parenthood is an exercise in forgiving ourselves — over and over — for being imperfect. Know that, with consistency, things will become better. Learn to expect your child to test each new boundary a few times. He's doing that because he wants to understand where, exactly, the boundary lines are. Children crave the security of consistent structure and routine.
Clearly defining boundaries and behavior management routines with your child will help him feel safe and will improve your relationship by allowing you both to better enjoy your time together.
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Lindsey is an English/art teacher turned stay-at-home-mom.
