• Vladimir Putin was advised not to destroy a city until U.S. attention turns to the NCAA basketball tourney's March Madness starting in mid-March. Urologists say some men get vasectomies just so they can sit home on the couch and enjoy the first two rounds. Talk about being unseeded for the tournament.
• President Biden's funniest moment in the State of the Union was when he called the Ukrainian people the Iranian people. Critics tallied ten enjoyable gaffes during the president's speech. Near the beginning, tears welled up in Biden's eyes until the voice in his earpiece shouted not Onion, Union!
• U.S. satellite photos showed a forty-mile-long Russian army convoy stalled while heading for Kiev Tuesday. Meanwhile live on the air, cable news channels showed a guy in Kiev riding his bicycle in the middle of a street through a bunch of Ukraine tanks. Cyclists think they own the road even in a war.
• U.S. Navy and Royal Navy subs sailed into the Black Sea to keep a check on Russian Navy ships that are shelling Ukraine from the South. Just one trigger-happy idiot on either side could ignite a nuclear war. It's moments like this that I'm glad Alec Baldwin doesn't have control of the Red October.
• Vladimir Putin directed his further troops into Eastern Ukraine Tuesday despite fierce fighting by Ukraine's infamous Neo-Nazi Azov Brigade. It was a battle between the hell-bound. During the battle, Putin destroyed a Holocaust memorial in a crafty attempt to get the Azov Brigade to switch sides.
• Russia's Ministry of Defense scrambled to correct problems their soldiers are having in the field in Ukraine on Tuesday. They could be saved by military aid from the U.S. Russian soldiers are having trouble fighting at night so they ordered top-grade night vision goggles and binoculars from the Taliban.
• House Democrats played the race card Monday, saying Americans are showing compassion for Ukrainians because they are white. I guess it's just a matter of time before Ukrainians use their white privilege to get out of Kiev alive. They've just been voted the Eastern Slavic Image Award for not looting.
• NBC News reported on the propaganda war going on between Ukraine and Russia as well as the war on the ground. Ukraine claims they've killed five thousand Russian soldiers while Russia claims only two soldiers have died. So do Russian soldiers have twenty-five hundred smaller ones inside them?