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Jewish World Review March 15, 2004 /22 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Reggie Jackson on Friday accused today's sluggers of using steroids and demanded the commissioner do something about it. Something is obviously amiss. Yesterday a woman was arrested in Wal-mart trying to pay the cashier with Barry Bonds' home run record.

Pope John Paul II became the third-longest-serving pope in church history on Sunday. He survived an assassination attempt by a Soviet agent over twenty years ago. Who could ever forget the KGB's version of the story that the pope fired first.

New Mexico repair crews worked Friday to cap an oil well that blew out when drillers hit natural gas in Carlsbad. These things can get out of control. When Dean Martin died he was cremated and it took Red Adair six days to put out the fire.

Democrats and Republicans began major fundraising efforts Friday to finance upcoming television ad wars. Each side has an endless supply of money. Last Tuesday night President Bush spoke at one dinner and raised three million while the next morning John Kerry killed a spider in his wife's bathroom and collected six million.

John Kerry released a new campaign commercial Friday saying that he plans to raise taxes only on the rich. His own wife is worth $500 million. Teresa Heinz Kerry saw the ad and began to wish he would just cheat on her like a normal husband.

Petco Park in downtown San Diego held its grand opening Thursday. It will be home to the San Diego Padres. The new ballpark is twice the size of the old ballpark, proving that baseball's steroid problem may not be confined to the players.

Major League Baseball heard Friday there will be a ban on androstenedione. It turns to steroids in the bloodstream. The last straw came in the comics Monday when Charlie Brown hit a five- hundred-foot homer and bit Snoopy as he rounded third.

Martha Stewart was warned by Heidi Fleiss Thursday that she will be targeted by lesbian gangs in federal prison. She's going in prepared. Everybody thought Rosie O'Donnell sat near her at the trial to whisper support but it was dating tips.

Howard Stern threatened Thursday to move his show to satellite radio. The same day, Congress passed a steep fine on broadcast indecency, a NASCAR driver was docked for cussing and the FCC vowed to police cable TV. When Justin Timberlake agreed to perform at the Super Bowl he had no idea he would be opening Pandora's Bra.

John Kerry refused to apologize Thursday for labeling Republicans liars and crooks. He made the statement standing next to Ted Kennedy and Jay Rockefeller. To prove he's going to be tough on the rich he elbowed them twice during his speech.

Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter agreed Thursday to headline a Democratic Party dinner in Washington. They always provided great release for Republicans. For Jimmy Carter they released the hostages and on Bill Clinton they released the hounds.

California's former Governor Gray Davis was a hit last week in his guest stint on Yes Dear. It's good to see that his charisma quotient is at last improving. Gray Davis is the only man in Los Angeles that Madonna ever told she has a headache.

Congress protected fast-food chains from obesity lawsuits Thursday. There's more than one way to skin a fat cat. The next day you couldn't get up to the counter at McDonald's for all the lawyers standing around throwing banana peels on the floor.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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