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Jewish World Review March 11, 2004 /18 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Wal-Mart had a customer arrested Monday who gave the checker a million-dollar bill and insisted on her change. It made national news. Without a doubt it's the dumbest criminal act since Martha Stewart lied to cover up a crime she didn't commit.

Rand Corporation warned Tuesday that obesity is about to become the leading cause of preventable death, even ahead of tobacco. Who's fault is that? If the health police hadn't made them quit smoking they wouldn't have gained all that weight.

California lawmakers proposed a state constitutional amendment Monday to give fourteen-year-olds the vote in state elections. You can't fault the logic. If they're old enough to testify against Michael Jackson they're old enough to vote.

Michael Jackson learned Tuesday that a warehouse full of his memorabilia was liquidated because he was delinquent in paying the storage fees. He insists to every television interviewer that he's not a pedophile. He's the King of Pedophiles.

John Henry Williams died Saturday and had his body frozen next to his father Ted Williams in Scottsdale. Red Sox fans smell a rat. It's rumored that George Steinbrenner agreed to pay the storage bill if Ted Williams's DNA would sign with the Yankees.

CIA Director George Tenet appeared before the Senate to explain his pre-war report saying Iraq was a nuclear threat. Teddy Kennedy was waiting for him. The director prepared for his testimony by reviewing his Chappaquiddick scrapbook album.

Defense Intelligence Agency chief Lowell Jacoby was fingered in the U.S. Senate Tuesday for giving Dick Cheney wildly inaccurate reports about Iraq's arsenal of weapons. The DIA was originally founded by Robert McNamara to keep the U.S. in Vietnam. It's touching that after forty years they remain true to their mission statement.

John Kerry ripped the administration's handling of the economy and foreign policy at a town hall meeting in Florida Monday. Everyone in the audience had the same question for John Kerry that every bartender asks him. Why the long face?

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she is giving Martha Stewart's donation for her Senate campaign to charity. She's walking away from a chief executive who lied to federal authorities. This proves that it's never too late to turn over a new leaf.

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