What will Presidents' Day be like in 50 years?

If you get your jollies reading about the only bachelor president or the first bathtub in the White House, just think how many more milestones and tidbits of trivia will have built up over the next 50 years!

In the next five decades, we may very well see the first female president, the first Hispanic president, the first Asian-American president, the first openly gay president, the first closeted tag-team presidency. ("The press is lying when they say there are two of us. Oooo. . . we'd. . . I'd… like to give them such a body slam!")

Thanks to medical miracles, we may see the record for "oldest president" broken more than once. ("I can remember why I came into the Oval Office, but I can't remember why half the country hates me. Hey, I don't remember that goldfish being in the bowl before. . . ")

We may finally see the first openly atheistic president. ("I believe that the children are our future. Of course, after that, they're just worm food. In bluntness we trust.")

Maybe we'll see the first president born on Mars. (Slogan: "Take me to your leader – oh, wait, I am your leader!") Imagine inspiring voters with proclamations such as "America needs citizens who aren't looking for a hand-out but instead are looking for a TENTACLE." Of course, the candidacy will trigger a whole new wave of "birthers." ("That's okay. I've got the death-rayers on MY side!")

I suspect the BIGGEST changes will come about if we drop the arbitrary "at least 35 years old" requirement for presidents.

Picture a chief executive who wears the nuclear codes in a nose piercing! Or who uses the Space Force to target lasers at zits!

He or she could make it less likely that vice presidents will have to take over when assassins strike. ("Unghh! Coach was right – I think I CAN walk this off.")

But why stop with presidents who still have double-digits in their age? Maybe there will be a commander-in-chief who eschews the siren call of deep-pocketed donors and instead funds his own campaign – with lunch money "donated" by smaller classmates. ("No Swamp – just swirlies.")

Yes, there could be a time when ballots ask, "Do you LIKE me like me? Check yes or no."

Timeless speeches will include lines such as "Fourscore and. . . fourscore and. . . are you sure I can't use my calculator for this?"

Think about bold international challenges, such as "Tear down this bouncy house – because I didn't get one for MY birthday!"

Granted, youthful prejudices will make cabinet selection agonizingly complex. ("Do I HAFTA take him? Well, can he play right field instead of being the Secretary of Labor?")

Can you imagine the reelection campaign? ("It's morning in America – so scarf down some sugary cereal and start bouncing off the walls!")

Let's all watch for exciting presidential developments in the years to come.

But watch out for the centenarian yelling, "Hey, you kids get off the Lawn That Must Not Be Named Because It Conjures Up Images of Slavery and Jim Crow and Powerhouse Football Teams and. . . "

(COMMENT, BELOW)

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Mr. Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said his mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. A lifelong small-town southerner, he graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications.

Previously:
• Are you and your middle name on speaking terms?
• Have you ever met a stranger?
• Do you dare take the goodness challenge??
• Commercial radio turns 100: what are your favorite memories?
• What shall we say about 50 years of home ownership?
• Do you dread opening your car trunk?
• So this is John Lennon's 80th birthday (And what have you done?)
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Come on, get happy: the Partridge Family at 50
• Who can turn the world on with her anniversary?
• Inspirational quotes: Are you for them or against them?
• Ray Bradbury: Something centenary this way comes
• 'Ban Bossy': Unintended Consequences
• Almost Here: A Translator For Dogs!
• Will Eggs Become Obsolete?
• Doctor Who: A Fiftieth Anniversary Primer
• The Martians Were Coming, The Martians Were Coming
• Are Pigs Smarter Than Dogs? And Should We Care?
• America, Let's Be #1 At Corruption
• Free College Tuition? Read The Fine Print
• Independence Day: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Typos
• Let's Have More Wrist Slap Punishments
• Father's Day: Can It Survive?