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I know what you're thinking. How could being nice to one's spouse ever hurt anyone? I'll rephrase…
It's the things we think are nice that sink relationships in the long run. As poet, T.S. Eliot, wrote, "Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions." Here are three well-meant remarks that wind up wasting marriages:
1. The automatic "Yes, dear."
Ah, the plight of the long-suffering martyr. You love your spouse so much you'd do practically anything for him or her — no matter how much it grates on your nerves. In the face of disagreement, you're certain if you just grit your teeth and force out a "yes, dear," goodness will prevail, all in the name of chivalry. After all, that's how Grandpa treated Grandma, and they were married 50 years.
Yes, conceding to your spouse in some matters is a great way of avoiding needless arguments, but don't become a voiceless "yes man." Husbands and wives both need backbones to keep their marriages stable. Couples who continually forgo hashing out their grievances often put off the illusion of getting along, but unresolved disagreements and pent-up frustrations eventually take their toll, eroding intimacy as irritations fester.
Remember, marriage isn't for martyrs. It is for partners. Have a voice. Compromise. Agree to disagree — but do it lovingly.
2. Misguided or insincere praise: "You've never looked better." or "I loved it. (cringe)"
Your wife spent six months after your first baby working her fanny off (literally), and you're a big fan of the results. In your excitement, you say something like, "Honey, you've never looked better!" Or, in sadder news, maybe hubby tried throwing you an adventurous romantic pass that "fumbled" — but you'd like to give him an 'A' anyway, for effort. Disapproval would embarrass him and squash his romantic motivation, so when he asks your thoughts, you cringe and blurt out, "I loved it!"
In the first scenario, your sincere praise will feel really good to your wife — as long as she's thin. But when baby number three comes along and the weight just isn't coming off like it did before, your once flattering comment now haunts her as she mourns the death of the body you favored. In the latter scenario, insincere praise might leave you adding something to your romantic playbook that you'd rather have left out.
Consider your praise carefully. Are you setting the bar too high, dooming your spouse to a lifetime of trying to match or outdo old triumphs? Or are you setting the bar too low, dooming yourself to a lifetime of pretending to like something you don't?
3. "I feel like you're ______ ."
You've seen enough romantic comedies to know that every good couple argues nicely by using 'I feel' statements. They're called 'I-messages,' and we often pair them with a practice called 'active listening' — showing our partners that we understand what they're saying by repeating back what they've said and expressing understanding. Often, we hear it go something like this:
Wifey: "You haven't helped me with the dishes in months. I feel like you're being unfair."
Hubby: "I understand that I haven't helped you with the dishes in a long time. It makes sense to me why you'd feel that way."
Then, the couple kisses passionately in the wake of their huge communication success. Unfortunately, that's not how it works.
Just because you sprinkle something potentially insulting with a sugary "I feel" doesn't mean your spouse will swallow it — and rightfully so. "I feel you're being immature" is really no less hurtful than "you're being immature." And while you can "understand" your spouse until you're both blue in the face, you'll notice that those dishes are still sitting in the sink, acquiring a lovely fur coat.
Use 'I feel' statements appropriately — to talk about your emotions, not to label your spouse as unfair, silly or irresponsible. Instead, talk about specific behaviors that bother you.
Find fault with actions — not your spouse's character. While understanding your spouse is a good starting point, the only true way to address issues is to empathize with your honey andtake action to repair hurts.
Let your inner voice be heard. Praise your spouse in meaningful, non-intimidating ways. Avoid labels, and make sure you take care of those dishes.
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Lindsey is an English/art teacher turned stay-at-home-mom.
