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Jewish World Review Feb. 25, 2004 /3 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The Academy Awards said Monday there will be no tasteless commercials Sunday night. That means no ads for potency pills or feminine hygiene. And to further accommodate the national mood, Billy Crystal has been replaced by Henry Kissinger.

Mardi Gras was held in the French Quarter in New Orleans Tuesday. The fracas ended when the King of the Carnival sang Dixie. This would have been the proper time for Colorado coach Gary Barnett to say not only was she a girl, she was terrible.

John Edwards was granted Secret Service protection out on the campaign trail Monday. The agents arrived in the nick of time. If there's one thing Democrats have emphasized over and over this past year it's that John Kerry has killed before.

John Edwards comforted laid-off New York garment workers Monday. They loved it when he cited his own tough times when the old mill was shut down where his father worked. John Edwards was born in 1953 in a little log cabin he built in 1998.

Arnold Schwarzenegger endorsed a constitutional amendment to let foreigners become president. It would allow a movie star son of a Nazi with breast groping issues in the Oval Office. The amendment is called the Comedians Full Employment Act.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton