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Jewish World Review Jan. 6, 2005 / 25 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The USC Trojans mauled the Oklahoma Sooners in the Orange Bowl Tuesday night in Miami. All the fumbles and interceptions could have been predicted. Oklahoma just banned alcohol on campus and the first month of sobriety is always the roughest.

The Super Bowl booked Paul McCartney to perform at the halftime show next month in Jacksonville. It's a safe choice. They want no repeat of last year's incident, although most people thought it was nice to see a kid molest a Jackson for a change.

Mexico released a comic book guide Monday showing how to cross the U.S. border illegally. The problems will multiply with their numbers. England can only give us a motherly smile knowing we're about to go through our occupation-of-India phase.

Congress was sworn into office in the House and Senate chamber in the United States Capitol building Tuesday. Maybe a hundred people in the gallery watched. The gallery is for onlookers and bystanders but the Democrats have to sit somewhere.

John Kerry began a fact-finding tour of the Mideast Monday. He wanted to get a head start in his competition for the 2008 nomination. If he really wants to stay two steps ahead of Hillary he should read Bill's autobiography from cover to cover.

Al Gore began soliciting program ideas Thursday for his new cable television network. He has only one following. Al Gore is considered an icon at Gamblers Anonymous meetings because he's the first man in history to quit while he was ahead.

William Kennedy Smith had another sexual assault lawsuit thrown out Monday. It's getting old. In a perfect world, all the Kennedy men would be sentenced to watch the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show to improve their etiquette around a woman's leg.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton