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Jewish World Review Jan. 5, 2005 / 24 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The Orange Bowl between Oklahoma and USC drew huge ratings Tuesday. Millions watched with a beer in one hand and pizza in the other. Democrats will nominate Homer Simpson for president before they ever allow a windsurfer on the ticket again.

Osama bin Laden issued a new tape urging Sunnis to boycott the Iraq election in three weeks. He did not call for any terrorism acts or street killings. Some guys have a harder time getting back into the groove after the holidays than others.

Mexico's Foreign Ministry published a comic book called Guide for the Mexican Migrant. It doesn't just show readers how to slip over the border. It teaches them how to survive in Los Angeles for months at a time without water or publicity.

George Herbert Walker Bush and Bill Clinton were named Monday to raise money for Asia. They don't really get along. Twelve years ago they split America into red states and blue states without giving the Crips or Bloods a nickel for the idea.

Bill Clinton got right to work raising cash for Asian relief Monday. There's no doubting his ability. President Bush felt good about the appointment until he walked upstairs and saw sixteen strangers sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom on cots.

John Kerry will skip the electoral college vote in Congress Thursday to travel to Iraq and speak to U.S. troops there. It's what comics call a death wish. He would rather follow Robin Williams in Baghdad than lose one more time to George Bush.

Anaheim Angels owner Arte Moreno on Monday renamed his baseball team the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. The home runs should be flying. You know the Angels won't be testing for steroids if they want to fit all that lettering onto one shirt.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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