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Jewish World Review Jan. 19, 2003 / 25 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Mars Rover rolled out Thursday with its cameras aimed at Mars and Planet Earth. They provided scary sights. When Martians looked into the monitor and saw Michael Jackson dancing on a truck, they thought one of their own was in trouble.

The Super Bowl turned down an offer by Bono to sing about the AIDS epidemic during the halftime show. It could have been a stroke of counter-programming genius. Everyone who's straight will already have switched over to the Lingerie Bowl.

Starbucks opened its first coffee shop in Paris Friday. Cultural purists say it will Americanize the French and they may be right. Whoever walks into Starbucks for a double espresso walks out convinced that they are the World's Only Superpower.

The Bachelorette premieres Wednesday starring Meredith Phillips as the woman looking for Mr. Right. Her strategy was brilliant. She moved to Iowa and told a pollster she's undecided, and now she's got eight men chasing her everywhere she goes.

Howard Dean went to the First Baptist Church in Plains with Jimmy Carter on Sunday. They don't believe in drinking, smoking or premarital sex. It's one of the mysteries of the universe how Jimmy Carter got elected president during the Disco Era.

The New York Times complained Tuesday that the early primary states are too white to pick the president in this day and age. It tends to doom liberals. Let's face it, Al Sharpton is never going to finish better than last in the Iowa Caucasians.

The Iowa Caucuses provide the first real test for Democrats tonight. Friends and neighbors will gather in each other's living rooms to talk about what matters most to them. By tomorrow morning the new Democratic front-runner could be Tupperware.

Senator John Kerry was revealed Friday to have advocated the shutting down of the Department of Agriculture in an old speech. That doesn't fly with Iowa farmers. They want their irrigation projects, their price supports and their ethanol subsidies, and most of all they want the U.S. government off their backs.

The Cooler starring Alec Baldwin opened last week to rave reviews. It's about a guy who's such a bad luck charm that casinos hire him to cool off hot players by standing behind them. It's the Las Vegas equivalent of an endorsement by Al Gore.

Crocodile Hunter ratings skyrocketed after Steve Irwin was taped holding his baby with one hand while feeding a crocodile with the other. It's an exciting show. Eyewitnesses swear at the beginning of the demonstration he was holding twins.

The Mars Rover rolled ten feet off its platform onto Mars Thursday. It takes ten hours to drive one mile and there is no oxygen. The only difference between Mars and Los Angeles is that in Los Angeles the tires would have been stolen by now.

The Agriculture Department agreed to subsidize Florida citrus growers after a big harvest. Thank goodness the problem was just a glut. When Al Gore accused the Republicans of aiding global warming during a blizzard Wednesday, everybody suspected Mad Tree.

The Iowa race tightened among the Democratic candidates Friday. John Edwards jumped forward, Howard Dean skidded, John Kerry sprinted ahead and Dick Gephardt hung on by his fingernails. Laurel and Hardy looked better pushing a piano up a hill.

John Kerry held a surprise lead in the Iowa Caucus polls last week, buoyed by support of the state's Vietnam vets. He took a helicopter tour of the state Thursday. John Kerry loves the smell of ethanol in the morning, it smells like victory.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton