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IN A TRIBUTE to her late mother, a daughter described her intellect: "She would
complete the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle in under 15
minutes --- and she would do it in ink!"
For millions, that crossword puzzle is the measure of genius. Not for me. The biggest
challenge to my inferential abilities are wedding announcements: several paragraphs
of of delicious mystery, each waiting to be decoded, each hinting at, but often not
proclaiming, the truth.
"Following a career in finance, the bride's father is retired and now lives in
Pennsylvania." This could mean daddy invested his golden parachute in rolling
acreage in trendy Bucks County. Or, he may have been indicted, convicted and
sentenced to a few years in Allenwood, Pa., Correctional Facility.
It's fun to speculate.
Every week, the "Sunday Styles" section of the Times contains wedding
announcements of the nation's overachievers. I really don't know why I find them so
fascinating. Maybe it's because it gives me a chance to pry a bit into others' lives; or
perhaps it's because it's an opportunity to see what my New York area colleagues
do with their weekends, and which rabbis are hobbing and nobbing with the rich and
famous.
Those families are all so perfect, you know.
"The bride, a graduate of Sarah Lawrence, earned her doctorate in clinical
psychology from Columbia and is now a senior producer for the Oprah Winfrey
Show. Her father, is Chairman of the Board of Puissance Industries and her mother
is the prominent Manhattan art connoisseur.
"After graduating from Williams College with highest honors, the groom earned his
MBA and LLD from Harvard, where he is now a tenured professor of business law.
His father is a retired vascular surgeon and his mother is superintendent of the
Dorset, Conn., school system."
Spare me!
Once... just once ... couldn't they print a more complete family history? Couldn't
they, for example, add a line or two to the bride's bio, proclaiming: "Myndi, has one
sibling, a sister, who spent 11 years selling leather orthopedic sandals made from
free range cows outside Grateful Dead concerts."
Frankly, I like the unpretentious folks best. I saw this in my local Vermont paper:
"The bride attended Shaw Memorial High School and graduated from Putt-Putt
Managers' School in Columbus, Ohio, with a degree in Putt Putt management."
Jewish World Review Nov. 23, 1998 / 4 Kislev, 5759
The
wedding announcement
By Rabbi Bob Alper
"The groom works in the international foodservice industry" may refer to the fact that
he's a CEO of a corporation supplying in-flight meals to 20 foreign airlines. Or,
perhaps, he makes deliveries for an Italian pizzeria.
Unlikely to make it into the Times
JWR contributor Bob Alper, the world's only practicing clergyman doing stand-up comedy . . . intentionally, is the author of Life Doesn't Get Any Better Than This : The Holiness of
Little Daily Dramas and A rabbi confesses. To go to his web site, click
here.
11/10/98:What the mail-man brought