'Appropriate' dates
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A 38-YEAR-OLD Jewish woman from California writes: "I'm recently
single after a long-term relationship and find the singles world bewildering.
After scanning the people connector ads where men seek women, it appears that
most, if not all, desire a woman younger than themselves. Are these men a)
looking for someone to mentor; b) looking to improve their ego and appearance
by being with someone younger; c) afraid to compete with a woman their own
age whether professionally or maturity-wise?"
A few thoughts immediately spring to mind.
Superficial.
Immature.
Mid-life crisis.
But in all fairness, I’m female. So I took this touchy question to a
couple of single men in their late thirties who have written to me in recent
months with their own frustrations about the Jewish dating scene. They
responded enthusiastically, but anonymously.
(Apparently, some people feel
that pontificating about the opposite sex and the perils of being single
isn’t going gain them any ground on the dating scene.)
I’ll start with the response women will most enjoy getting hostile
about.
"I find that women who take the best care of themselves (and I don't
mean by the plastic surgeon's knife) are the most physically attractive.
Without being hypocritical, I try very hard to take good care of myself, so I
don't think that I have a double standard. Of course, women become more or
less attractive to me based on their personality. I think, then, that it is
very natural for a male to be attracted, more often than not, to a woman that
might be younger, because it is more likely that she has been able to keep
herself in good shape."
Allow me an editorial comment. Whatever.
But this 37-year-old pediatrician, who really does seem very nice,
went on to offer up one of the major dating rationales I heard from several
men his age. He’s getting older. He still wants to have kids. He figures his
best shot is finding a younger woman.
I decided to run that one by the woman whose letter opened this
discussion.
"It’s a valid response," she said. "And it might be true for some men
who’ve suddenly grown up. But I don’t think it’s the real reason. I’d also
like to have kids, and I figure I’ve still got six years. That’s a long time."
Fair enough. So we go to a 39-year-old Chicago male who sounds more
like a psychologist than the lawyer that he is.
"I think the simplistic or surface answer is that men want that which
is not readily available. A man, from an ego perspective, wants to attract a
woman who (in his mind) is worthy of his attention and, to a certain extent,
the attention of other men. In this way, his ‘choice’ is validated. A woman
who is ‘appropriate’ (at least from a set of criteria including age, general
appearance, etc.) somehow seems too available and, in a peculiar way, not
worthy of his attention."
We’ve got to give him points for honesty, don’t you think, ladies?
I was particularly interested in how our psychologist/attorney would
respond, since he wrote to me a few months back saying that he has no problem
getting dates with non-Jewish women, but the Jewish women he meets are either
overly career oriented or concerned only with his bank account.
As I suspected, he had a few thoughts on the subject.
"Most Jewish men and women start out wanting to find a compatible
Jewish mate, but the expectations... sabotage the dating process. Instead of
focusing on the joy making a ‘Jewish connection’ with a member of the
opposite sex, many people really don't know why they want to be with someone
Jewish... hence, the resentment and feeling of losing control.
"When Jewish women treat Jewish men solely as marriage material, as
opposed to sexy, exciting, interesting and fun (traits they probably ascribe
to non-marriageable, non-Jewish men), Jewish men rebel from ‘appropriate’
Jewish women."
I’ll give our letter-writing female the final word. She agrees that
many Jewish women are looking for educated, professional men, but says that’s
because they are educated, professional women who are looking for an equal.
If there was one accusation vehemently denied by the men I
questioned, it was wanting someone younger who they could mentor. On the
contrary, they spoke of wanting a woman who would challenge them. And women,
I know that’s one criterion most of us have no problem
Jewish World Review June 9, 1999 / 25 Sivan, 5759
By Allison Kaplan
JWR contributor Allison Kaplan is a columnist for the Chicago Jewish Star. You may contact her by clicking here.
05/11/99: Lost in (cyber) space