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SINCE MY BOYFRIEND pre-dates my e-mail address, I never had any real
reason to try on-line chatting. But as more of my friends are meeting people
on-line, I feel I’ve been robbed of an experience now as fundamental to
dating as bars once were.
(How quickly we forget the agony and humiliation.)
So I decided to log on for an Internet intrigue. I clicked on America
Online’s “people connection” and searched for a Jewish chat room - figuring
if I’m going to be talking to potentially insane strangers, I might as well
aim to make my mom proud.
Come again?
Age, sex, location, my pursuer spelled out.
Wow, cyber-daters cut right to the chase.
Twenty-six, female, Chicago, I responded, pleased to be adapting to
this new medium with such ease.
The line went cold. Was it something I said?
Perhaps I jumped into this just a little too quickly. I decided to
observe the other chatters.
DIVA487: After how much speaking IM do you ask for a picture?
What an egotist, I thought, randomly inserting “I am” in the middle
of a sentence! I’ve since learned in the cyber world, IM means Instant
Message. Sort of like, let’s continue this at my place.
In case you’re dumb like
me, his name is not really pronounced Theman, rather, The Man. And that’s not
really his name, rather, a pseudonym he uses so his mom doesn’t find out her
Nice Jewish Boy is slightly perverse.
(As it happens, she did find out, as
mothers always do. And she still loves him.)
Dan, 26, may well deserve to be called “the man.” He says he has gone
out on real, earthly dates with at least 35 women he met on-line.
“I haven’t always found it so easy to pick up women,” said Dan, who
started cyber-chatting when he was new to San Francisco a few years ago and
looking to meet people. “It’s a good alternative. It helps you get your
confidence up.”
Dan figured if he was going to talk to women, he might as well give
himself the opportunity to meet them, so he favors local chat rooms. An
advantage of meeting on-line, he said, is you can really focus on what you’re
looking for - be that a doctor, a lawyer, a Rollerblader. You can also search
for specifics in personality profiles. For example, “Jewish men in Atlanta.”
But finding the e-mail addresses of potential mates is like deciding
you and Ben Stiller would make a fine pair. You have to introduce yourself.
The best way to make a good first impression on-line, Dan advises, is to say
anything other than “Hi.” Say something about who you are. Make a joke - but
preferably not one you scramble to copy out of George Carlin’s latest book.
That could come back to haunt you.
Dan said he knows women who have liked a guy on-line, but met and
found him to be entirely different. “It’s just like a conversation at a bar,”
Dan said. “Be yourself.”
And do watch how you type - the biggest on-line turn off, Dan said,
is poor grammar.
Otherwise, the rules of cyber-dating are much like the real world.
As successful as Dan has been with on-line dating, why, I wondered,
does he keep himself anonymous?
“It’s still a little embarrassing,” he told me. “Kind of like
personal ads - some people think it’s no big deal, others would never admit
it.”
But every time you log on, you’re increasing the odds of meeting The
One in cyberspace.
“If I find true love,” Dan said, “I don’t care how it
Jewish World Review May 11, 1999 / 25 Iyar, 5759
Lost in (cyber) space
By Allison Kaplan
No sooner did I enter Jewish Singles Chat ages 25 - 35, an instant
message popped up on my screen, the contents of which were simply: asl.
BOB10862: Diva, you got your name back!
DIVA487: Bob, you remembered.
COOLONE: Bob, go back to town square where you belong!
BIRNBAUM: Any NY females in the house?
BOB10862: Diva, where are you?
BOB10862: Hi Suzy!!
That’s about enough for me. And I’ve spared you the assorted big butt
comments. What I want to know is, Who are these people? Do they ever leave
their homes? And would we want them to?
I asked Dan Theman, author of Beyond Cybersex : Charming Her Online, Meeting Her Offline.
So, if you’re chatting with someone who could have long-term potential, steer
clear of sexy talk. Once you go there, Dan says, you’re probably not coming
back. And if you like someone, move the conversation to the phone as soon as
possible. Dan said you’re never going to get a really accurate picture of
someone on-line - verbal communication doesn’t allow 30 second pauses to
better phrase your next thought.
New JWR contributor Allison Kaplan is a columnist for the Chicago Jewish Star. You may contact her by clicking here.
