Jewish World Review Feb. 3, 2000/ 30 Shevat, 5760

Down to Earth Heroes

By Dr. Janice Cohn

“Well, you have to know how to fly”, one four year old told me.

“And you have to have muscles—big ones”, added a five year old.

“It helps to have a gun—or some kind of weapon…But I guess you don’t have to have one all the time”, a six and a half year old offered.

One might think these youngsters were giving descriptions of a superforce needed to repel an imminent invasion of aliens. Instead, this was how a group of young children responded to my question, “What does it take to be a hero?”

More and more, young children’s ideas of heroism are derived from television shows and movies, where even the good guys (particularly the good guys) automatically use violence to solve their problems and conquer evil. Add to this to the fact that many of today’s public figures who would ordinarily be looked upon as role models, (from sports stars to the President of the United States), end up having feet of clay. We then find we are looking at a serious void regarding positive, inspiring role models for kids.

Or so it seems.

Happily, the good news is that such role models can be found closer to home than most parents realize. Much closer. For the research shows that the most important and influential role models of all for young children are often their own mothers and fathers. It is children’s parents—despite what goes on in the world around them—who play the biggest role in modeling children’s behavior and instilling basic values.

This premise is vividly illustrated in an important book, The Altruistic Personality, by Sam and Pearl Oliner. The Oliners, who are professors at Humboldt University, conducted a comprehensive research study which sought to answer this question: What determined which people, during the second world war, became rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe. On the surface, these people seemed no different from their neighbors and friends. But while others did nothing to try to stop the slaughter, or began to emulate the Nazi invaders, rescuers risked their lives—and often the lives of their families—to try to save people who were often total strangers to them. Many of us would consider these people to have shown extraordinary courage.

But how did they get that way?

Those people whose parents consistently showed kindness and sensitivity towards others, and gave their children the message—through their actions—that it was important to care about others, were much more likely to become rescuers than people whose parents did not set such an example.

The fact is, parents often underestimate the power they possess to influence their children. Several years ago, I conducted a small research study involving several private schools in New York City. The study focused on identifying young people’s role models. Several hundred students responded to the questionnaires and it was gratifying to discover that the majority of the young people did not choose rock stars, financial moguls or other celebrities as their heroes and role models. They chose, instead, their own parents. Even more gratifying were the reasons they gave for their choices. Though many of these young people came from privileged backgrounds and had parents who had acquired considerable wealth, power or fame, this is not what students wrote about. They had some very different things in mind. Here are some typical examples:

• “My first hero is my mom. If she hadn’t been there I might have starved and died of hunger. She also helps to solve my problems and most of all she loves me, and that is enough for a heroine. My second hero is my dad. He’s always been there for me, and he loves me also. He is very kind and never yells.” (female fourth grader)

• “My mother is my hero. She showed me right from wrong and was there when I needed her. She really cares. When my mother and father went to an animal kennel and adopted a dog about to be put to sleep, I thought that they were heroes. (I’ll bet the dog did, too.)” (female fourth grader)

• “The people I think are heroes are my mom and dad. Your see, my mom is a nurse and my dad is a doctor and they help save lives no matter what.” (male fifth grader)

• “My dad is a hero because he’s kind, understanding, smart, strong, wise, and has a good outlook on life. My mom has all the same qualities (except strong).” (male seventh grader)

• “My heroes are my mom, my dad, not my sister, and my cat Creamy. He (my cat) was there for me when I cried ( and licked up my tears and made me feel better). He was also there for me when I needed to lean on him for help. My parents were there for the same reasons, and others too (not licking thought).” (female seventh grader)

• “My parents are two heroes. They are great people. They try their best at everything, and they help others. Although they make mistakes, all around they are good.” (male eighth grader)

• “I feel my mother is a heroine, because she is always trying to make my life better. She came form picking cotton to making herself a pretty successful woman today. She really doesn’t have the money to send me to private school but she does, anyway, by working day and night. I feel my father is a hero because he also tries very hard, and works very hard to keep me in this private school, and I can try to make something out of myself.” (female 11th grader)

These young people’s responses movingly illustrate the power of simple examples of goodness and decency. The key here is that children were influenced and inspired by their parent’s actions, not parental lectures. Keep this in mind when you are tempted, even momentarily, to tell your children to heed what you say, rather than what you do.

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JWR contributor Dr. Janice Cohn, a psychotherapist, is Chief of Consultation and Education at the Department of Psychiatry, Newark Beth Israel Medical Center. The author of Raising Compassionate, Courageous Children in a Violent World , she is also in private practice in New York City and Montclair, New Jersey. Send your comments by clicking here.

01/27/00: Parental discipline affects child's compassion

© 2000 Dr. Janice Cohn