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Jewish World Review Jan. 27, 2000/ 17 Shevat, 5760
EIGHT YEAR OLD Marjorie was told by her mother that she could not
have a later bedtime, despite her pleading. This made Marjorie furious. At
first she was able to content herself with colorful fantasies of revenge (her
favorite was of her mother being sent to bed shortly after dinner, when she
was old and feeble and living in Marjorie’s house). But that wasn’t enough
to quell her feelings of anger and Marjorie just had to do… something. That
something turned out to be an interesting crayon drawing sprawled all over
a wall of Marjorie’s newly painted bedroom.
Ten year old Jonathan got into an argument with his friend Michael.
They couldn’t agree on which video game to play. But what started out as a
relatively friendly disagreement became progressively heated.
Question: What is the relationship between Marjorie’s defiance, Jeremy’s
outburst, and the development of compassion?
Answer: The way in which each child is disciplined will have an
important impact on their capacity for compassion and
empathy.
Research studies have repeatedly shown that although love is the crucial
foundation upon which children’s moral character is built, love is not
enough. Parental discipline is also extremely important. But what kind, and
how much? Many “experts” have their own (conflicting) opinions, which
sometimes serves to merely baffle parents rather than enlighten them.
That’s why it’s helpful to take a look at the research. Ongoing studies are
producing important information which parents should be aware of.
Following are some of these findings:
GIVE CHILDREN SPECIFIC GUIDELINES FOR
Dr. Nancy Eisenberg has conducted a number of important studies on
the development of empathy in children. She cautions parents that
warmth and nurturing is not enough to foster the development of
childhood empathy and believes youngsters need “a firm parental hand in
setting limits and guidelines.”
The specific parental guidelines may vary from family to family, but a
good rule of thumb for all families is that no child should be allowed to
engage in behavior which is hurtful to himself, to others, or which is
destructive to property. These rules must always be enforced—with no
exceptions (no matter how much emotional pain a child is experiencing,
or how justified his anger may be).
MAKE SURE CHILDREN UNDERSTAND
“Explaining consequences,” he says, “means
focusing on how the other person will feel if a child acts in a certain way.
For example, the person’s feelings will be hurt, they will be angry, they
will be embarrassed, they will feel rejected. Don’t focus on abstract
principles—talk about people’s emotions.” (And, by the way, remember
to explain the consequences of children’s good behavior, as well).
BE AWARE OF THE IMPACT
As Dr. Carolyn Zahn-Wexler, the primary investigator in this
study, pointed out, the mothers’ obvious emotion let the children know
the depth of their feelings about the issue. At a young age, when
children’s primary concern is pleasing their parents, this kind of
passionate response makes a powerful impression on children that they
are likely to remember as they grow older—if their parents and other
caregivers maintain that passion and conviction about their beliefs.
PRIMARILY DISCIPLINE
I am happy to report that Marjorie’s and Jonathon’s parents were
familiar with these research guidelines and reacted in the following ways:
Marjorie’s parents insisted that she herself clean up the crayon
drawing on her wall, and Marjorie was not allowed to watch her favorite
television program that night. And then Marjorie’s parents did something
else as well—they talked with her about the things she was allowed to do
when she was angry. This included slamming her door, throwing her
pillows and pounding hard on her crafts board while modeling with her clay.
All of these activities help discharge anger and re-direct destructive
impulses. An inflatable punching bag is also a good tool in this regard. (In
children’s imagination the punching bag can look remarkable similar to the
object of their scorn).
Jonathan's mother, who had overheard the argument between her son and
his friend, was very upset over Jonathan's cruelty. She wisely gave herself
some time to calm down, and then sat down with her son and had him put
himself in his friend’s place. At that point Jonathan began to realize the
consequences of what he had done. He had never seen his mother speak so
passionately and forcefully, as she emphasized that that kind of behavior
would not be tolerated. Chastised, Jonathan began to talk with his mother
about how he could make amends.
Every child, no matter how wonderful, will sometimes misbehave.
That’s the old, bad news. The new, good news is that when parents
discipline children in the right way, they not only encourage better
behavior—they encourage compassion and empathy as
Parental discipline affects child's compassion
By Dr. Janice Cohn
Finally, as
both boys adamantly refused to compromise, Jonathan used his secret
weapon. “Hey Michael” he spat out to his overweight friend “You’re a big
fat blubbery mess, and all the other kids think so, too!” Michael’s lips began
to quiver and Jonathan sensed victory. Unable to stop himself, he added
(untruthfully) “And we all laugh about you behind your back!” Shaken,
Michael ran out of the house in tears.
ACCEPTABLE AND
UNACCEPTABLE
BEHAVIOR
Research studies have repeatedly shown that parental love and
affection must be accompanied by understandable and consistent
guidelines for acceptable and unacceptable behavior towards others.
Dr. Eisenberg has found that parents who
are loving but permissive, and do not set clear limits on their children’s
behavior towards others, have children who tend to be more selfish and
less inclined to help others than are youngsters whose parents provide
more discipline.
THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR
ACTIONS
Even the sweetest, kindest children can sometimes act cruelly or
selfishly. When that happens, it’s important to sit down with them and
speak in terms of the consequences of their actions. Dr. Ervin Staub is a
well-known researcher who has written extensively about the
development of empathy.
OF YOUR OWN EMOTIONS
Interestingly, parent’s emotions, as well as their words, affect the
impact of their discipline. In an intriguing study involving preschool
children, mothers were asked to describe how they related to their
children’s responses to the distress of others. The study concluded that
young children who displayed a high degree of empathy had mothers
who conveyed a clear message to their children about the consequences
of their behavior toward others and communicated this with intense
emotion.
THROUGH REASONING
Researchers agree that the use of reasoning and discussion as
disciplinary tools is one of the most effective methods of fostering
children’s moral development. Highly authoritarian disciplinary
methods, in which parents impose rules upon children without
explanation (i.e. “We’re doing it this way because I say so”) is often
counterproductive. A recent university study involving more than 100
children and their parents found that disciplining children in a highly
authoritarian manner tended to stifle children’s initiative, creativity and
intellectual curiosity. This was in contrast to children whose parents
relied primarily on reasoning and discussion in their disciplining. These
children were found to be more adept at social skills, and better at
relating to others and problem solving. 
But beware. Do not try to reason with a child who is in the midst of a
temper tantrum. At that point, children’s powers of negotiation and
compromise are basically nil—whatever approach the enlightened parent
takes. When children are genuinely out of control, the first order of
business becomes helping children to regain control. Logic and
reasoning comes later.
JWR contributor Dr. Janice Cohn, a psycotherapist, is Chief of Consultation and Education at the Department of Psychiatry, Newark Beth Israel Medical Center. The author of Raising Compassionate, Courageous Children in a Violent World , she is also in private practice in New York City and Montclair, New Jersey. Send your comments by clicking here.
