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Jewish World Review /Jan. 22, 1999 /5 Shevat, 5759
Dr. Laura
'Consenting adults' don't always examine consequences
(JWR) --- (http://www.jewishworldreview.com) IN A RECENT NATIONALLY SYNDICATED COLUMN, a well-known writer touted Bob
Dole, the poster boy for Viagra, as a new symbol to "remind us that sex is a
mighty important part of what makes life worth living" during this "current
puritanical mood." The author did concede that "everything in its proper place
and time with full respect for the needs and rights of others ... are the
boundaries for consenting adults to determine."
I agree with his position that sex isn't dirty; it's normal. I certainly
agree that sex has its proper time and place, and folks must be considerate of
each other. It's the consenting-adults criterion that disturbs me.
On the surface, it would seem obvious that in a free society, what two
consenting adults do in their privacy ought to be their own business. In
reality, this is a woefully inadequate determinant for a decision about sexual
behavior. I know this to be true from the innumerable daily calls I get on my
radio program from people who subscribed to that shallow definition.
Just yesterday a woman called about her consensual sexual relationship. She
had been having sex with her married next-door neighbor. When she found out she
was pregnant, he suddenly had a change of heart about his wife and family, and
informed her that he was no longer interested in her and would not have anything
to do with the child.
I have calls from children all the time whose mom or dad decided to have
consensual sex with a third party, only to leave their home in the throes of
this natural lust and passion, abandoning these children on the altar of their
own private desires.
Then I have calls from loving, trusting wives with two or more minor
children, wondering what to tell their children about Daddy's new baby from a
consensual relationship with some other woman. "Do we have our children meet at
all? If they do, do I have them play as friends, cousins or siblings?" they ask
in trembling voices.
Just the other day a young man called wondering what to do with the letter
from the man who had had consensual sex with his mother and left her when she
became pregnant, never to see his child. This young man wondered if he owed his
elderly bio-parent anything. His attitude was a mix of hurt, anger, curiosity
and long-suffering need.
Then there are the calls from the folks who suffer over their spouse's
consensual encounters with third parties. "(S)he says that it's only sex and
doesn't mean anything to her (him). It's amazing how something that means so
little to my spouse could hurt me so much. It's painful to know that she (he)
would do something that supposedly means so little, knowing how much it means to
me."
It is very clear even from these few examples that "two consenting adults"
is an insufficient criterion for determining the appropriateness of a sexual
encounter. Sexuality is predictably connected to reproduction -- even with the
best intents of birth control technology. Science is imperfect, and people often
take risks out of momentary passionate fantasies that strive to connect physical
closeness with some deeper meaning. That meaning may include proof of virility,
longing for attachment or importance, or a magical transformation of orgasms
into caring love.
If we were only "animals," all of those true stories wouldn't matter, or
exist, because procreation and preservation of the species is the primary intent
of sex in the animal kingdom. Human beings are capable of being more. In
addition to the reality of passion, lust, libido and erotic desire, there is the
sublime element of sexual intimacy. When we value intimacy, then the act and the
person become special -- above and beyond, but still including, "fun." With
intimacy comes a unique position of knowledge, acceptance, depth, caretaking,
tenderness, protectiveness and safety. While you definitely can have sexual fun
with innumerable people at almost any moment, sexual intimacy must be
cultivated. And while at almost any moment, any of us can imagine enjoying
unfettered sexual release, do we at all imagine this experience will make us
feel better about ourselves an hour later?
There is a terrible price for that kind of freedom. One of the definitions
for freedom in Webster's Collegiate Dictionary is "the absence of or release
from ties or obligations." Some baby boomers and teen-agers continue to yearn
for that utopia, forgetting this means that ultimately no one is there for
anyone. That kind of freedom does not provide the sustained mutuality that human
beings ultimately crave.
The recent movie "Prince of Egypt" shows a people freed from slavery, but it
isn't a story about getting folks away from the bad guys so they can do ...
whatever. It's a story about people released from tyranny and given the
blueprint (G-d's Commandments) for how to lead a life of integrity, justice,
righteousness and compassion. Something noble must be done with freedom, or it
collapses into yet another tyranny, the impetuous tugs of immediate
gratification and selfishness, the tyranny of what is within us all and must be
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