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Jewish World Review/ Dec. 29, 1998/ 10 Teves, 5759

Linda Chavez

Linda Chavez Ya never know

(JWR) --- (http://www.jewishworldreview.com)IF YOU THINK 1998 WAS A STRANGE YEAR, just imagine what the next 12 months will bring. Here's my forecast for 1999.

Jan. 25, President Clinton orders 830 Cruise missiles fired at the tiny kingdom of Bhutan, nestled in the Himalayan mountains between India and Tibet.

In a televised speech, the president says the Bhutanese army, consisting of 23 armored yak divisions, poses a serious threat to world peace and stability. White House spokesman Joe Lockhart rejects any connection between the bombing and the start of the president's impeachment trial in the Senate, scheduled to begin tomorrow.

Feb. 8, in a surprise move, the White House announces that the president is replacing his entire impeachment defense team. The president's new lawyers, Johnnie Cochran and Barry Scheck, are expected to make a vigorous defense, arguing that the FBI lab tampered with evidence in order to frame the president.

Feb. 9, Cochran announces that his first witness will be the forensic scientist Henry Lee of O. J. Simpson trial fame, who is expected to testify that the notorious DNA sample found on Monica Lewinsky's blue dress could not possibly be the president's after all. Cochran also is expected to introduce a letter signed by 4, 572 historians and 811 Nobel prize winners in science attesting that in all likelihood the DNA is actually Thomas Jefferson's.

April 1, in a new spirit of bipartisanship, Senate Republicans agree to replace presiding impeachment judge Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who stepped down this week, with Judge Wapner. "What better jurist than the man who presided over the People's Court to judge the People's President, a man who wants nothing more than to get this mess over with so that he can get back to doing the People's Business," said Larry Flynt, the new White House communications director. Flynt denied any connection between Rehnquist's departure and the recent publication on the White House web site of photos of the Chief Justice skinny dipping with Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in the fountain outside the Supreme Court.

May 24, Johnnie Cochran instructs defense witness Monica Lewinsky to retire to the Senate cloak room to try on the infamous blue dress. When the zipper breaks, Cochran admonishes the Senate: "If the dress don't fit, you must acquit."

June 21 , the Senate defeats both articles of impeachment against William Jefferson Clinton by a vote of 83-17. In an unrelated incident, the new female publisher of Hustler magazine, Susan Macdougal, announces that the July issue of the magazine, which was expected to include compromising photos of 38 Republican and 12 Democrat senators, was entirely destroyed in an early morning fire at a printing plant near Mena, Ark.

July 4, President Clinton signs the 27th Amendment to the Constitution to repeal the two-term limit on the presidency. Vice President Al Gore is absent from the Rose Garden ceremony.

Oct. 1, President Clinton announces that he will begin a new initiative to put 100,000 new midnight basketball referees on the job by the year 2005. This is the president's 89th popular "100,000 initiative" since taking office. His last proposal, to increase the minimum wage to $100,000 a year, is credited with boosting the president's approval rating to a record 98 percent.

Nove. 25, President Clinton signs an executive order abolishing Thanksgiving as a federal holiday. Although the White House has issued no formal statement on the matter, friends of the first family claim the idea was Hillary Rodham Clinton's. The First Lady is reported to believe that the Puritans at Plymouth were charter members of the right-wing conspiracy which tried to destroy her husband.

Dec. 31, the Republican-controlled Congress fails to pass a budget, and the government once again shuts down. Mrs. Clinton decides to attend the annual New Year's eve Renaissance Weekend bash at Hilton Head, S.C., leaving the president alone back at the White House to attend to more important matters.

"Hey Betty, before you leave, send that intern in with the pizza, will ya?"

Up

12/15/98: Whose reality?
12/08/98: Why the House must make sure Bubba gets his due punishment
12/02/98: Remember when libraries were for expanding the mind!?
11/26/98: When Thanksgiving means more than commercialism
11/17/98: To Ken S. --- if you'll only listen
11/10/98: What did you expect?
11/04/98: Shame on those who don't vote!
10/27/98: It's spreading!
10/20/98: It ain't over yet
10/15/98: Mourning motherhood
9/23/98: Sosa and the race card
9/23/98: Believable and truthful are two different things
9/16/98: Time for a new Amendment!
9/08/98: When silence is truly golden
8/25/98: Bears and blunders
8/25/98: Only consistency about Prez's anti-terrorism policy: its inconsistency
8/18/98: Is our 'broken-compass' beyond fixing?
8/11/98: Reno's risk
8/04/98: When Truth is of the highest odor
7/28/98: No way to protect ourselvesagainst a nut's wrath
7/22/98: These 'choice' advocates are being demonzied ... by the Left.
7/15/98: Will 'neonaticide' become the new buzzword?
7/07/98: Urge to mega-merge, stopped in time
6/30/98: Why take responsibility if
somebody else will pay?
6/23/98: Blinded by the red, or is it the green?
6/17/98: Flotsam in the wake of romance
6/10/98: We have a ways to go in the bilingual war
6/3/98: Tyson's triumph over tragedy
5/28/98: Why Univision's Perenchio is out to hurt his fellow Hispanics
5/20/98: Sometimes Buba actually tells the truth ... as he sees it
5/12/98: Chill-out on the chihuahua and ... Seinfeld
5/8/98: The revolution is just about over
4/28/98: Let's face it: both parties are full of hypocrites
4/21/98: Legislating equality
4/14/98: One down, many to go
4/7/98: Mexican mayhem?
3/31/98: Of death and details
3/25/98: Americans are unaware of NATO expansion
3/18/98: Intellectual-ghettoes in the name of diversity
3/11/98: Be careful what you wish for ...
3/4/98: The Press' Learning-disability
2/25/98: 50 States Are Enough!
2/18/98: Casey at the Mat
2/11/98: The legal profession's Final Solution
2/4/98: Faith and the movies
1/28/98: Clinton, Lewinsky, and Politics Vs. Principle
1/21/98: Movement on the Abortion Front
1/14/98: Clones, Courts, and Contradictions
1/7/98: Child custody or child endangerment?
12/31/97: Jerry Seinfeld, All-American
12/24/97: Affirmative alternatives: New initiatives for equal opportunity are out there
12/17/97: Opening a window of opportunity (a way out of bilingual education for California's Hispanic kids)


©1998, Creators Syndicate, Inc.