By Seena Bulmash

THE MEANING OF CHANUKAH has become increasingly distorted through current day social pressures. Many Jewish parents want to return to a non-commercial, uncomplicated celebration of the holiday, but feel more parental anxiety than joy when searching for a way to escape the seasonal madness.

Two weeks ago, while waiting for a flight at the airport, I began reading a cover story in USA Today on toy spending. The article quotes toy manufacturers who boast about an anticipated record number of parents and grandparents who will spend $100 or more on individual holiday gifts. Each year retailers increasingly prepare for the shoppers who will fight their way into malls to purchase extravagant gifts that are believed to be expressions of love.

What is more concerning than the amount of money parents and grandparents will spend on children's gifts, is the modern-day justification for doing so. The USA Today writer interviewed and quoted working parents who feel that inadequate quality time with children could be replaced with lavish gifts. Grandparents who were interviewed and quoted in the same article felt that sending outrageously expensive gifts to their grandchildren could compensate for long-distance visits. It is not surprising that children become increasingly materialistic when adults give the message that love can be bought.

Pressure for greater material spending is not all that distorts the meaning of Chanukah, as there is the growing misconception by Jews and non-Jews alike that Chanukah can become secularized and nationalized. While waiting in my children's doctor's office I began to read an article in this month's Good Housekeeping, in which a Jewish author glorifies her successful integration of non-Jewish customs into her home. This type of holiday coverage is becoming more prevalent each year in print and on television to appease readers and viewers who want to believe that we can step away from religious holiday ties to meld together cultural and ethnic customs and practices.

If Jewish adults are vulnerable to the thinking that Chanukah involves indulging in extravagant gift buying and that non-Jewish practices could possibly be incorporatd in Jewish homes, than how do young children handle facing all of today's common holiday distortions?

Children today will hear that friends received expensive and extravagant holiday gifts, and might complain and question if they were not equally indulged. Jewish children will befriend neighbors and schoolmates who will say with confusion or with a degree of certainty that they celebrate Chanukah and Christmas.

Five years ago, when my son attended public school kindergarten, there were just as many children from homes where there was one Christian parent and one Jewish parent, as there were homes with two Jewish parents. One little boy in the kindergarten who had just arrived in the United States from Taiwan concluded, after hearing classmates talk, that religions and holidays could be mixed and matched. Therefore, he decided he wanted to be both Chinese and Jewish.

As Jews, we can sympathize with the difficulties families with mixed religious backgrounds face. We can understand that non-Jews mean well by trying to include Chanukah as a national American celebration through displaying dreidl and menorah decorations in the mall and by adding a token Chanukah song to public holiday choir appearances. We cannot, however, allow for dilution and distortion of our Jewish faith and practices to make others feel more at ease or comfortable.

One of the strongest messages we can teach our children about Chanukah is the importance of the right not to assimilate.

As Jewish parents, we cannot run away or shield our children from the reality of being inundated at this time of year. We would have to avoid going to malls and other public places like hotels and restaurants in the month of December, November and October as retailers are setting up holiday promotions earlier and earlier. Ironically, however, we can use the increasing complexities we face this time of year to teach our children about a deeper meaning of Chanukah.

As a professional Jewish educator and as a parent of school-age children I recommend:

• Talking to your children about the challanges you, your parents and your grandparents faced as a minority. Talk to children about our incredible Jewish history and the Jewish people's G-d given will to survive even when facing impossible odds.

  Use Chanukah as a time to have a family discussion about the danger of assimilation and about each generation's responsibility to pass on the very special "gift" of being Jewish. Children are never too young to hear this message. When my children were small, I would show them my chain link bracelet and explain that if one link of the bracelet breaks or one link of the Jewish people breaks apart, the consequences of a broken bracelet or a shattered Jewish people can be permanent.

• Encourage children to talk about their feelings of inundation or confusion at this time of year. Early childhood years and early school years are when children are sorting out their individual identities. While vacationing during winter break, and staying in hotels with christmas trees and ornate holiday decorations in the lobby, my children would feel a bit overwhelmed when they were young.

  At first my husband and I were embarrassed when our children would ask perfect strangers in the swimming pool if they were "Christmas or Chanukah," but then we realized that this was their way of sorting out their and other peoples' identities. My children will now proudly tell stunned hotel and restaurant employees, who ask them how their Christmas was, that Christmas is not their holiday because they are maturing with a strong sense of identity and love for their own faith.

• Rethink your family's practices and means of celebration if you are not enjoying Chanukah. Chanukah is a minor Jewish holiday, it is not mentioned in the Torah because the history involved in the story post-dates the Five Books of Moses. The first time our sages began discussing and recording directives regarding the observances of Chanukah, they were sure to center the holiday focus on the miracle of the oil. The miracle of the oil demonstrated the power of G-d and not on the might and fighting ability of the Jewish rebels that overturned Syrian-Greek rule.

• Teach children about the courage and heroisn of our Jewish ancestors, but be careful not to forget to credit their victory to G-d. When we place the credit where it is due, we reinforce the belief in our faith that G-d has a hand in all good things that come to us.

• Incorporate holiday customs and practices that have educational value and a deep meaning for children. Give each child his or her own individual menorah so that the whole house is aglow each holiday evening. Encourage your children to display his or her own menorah in their room year round with other Judaic items so they become used to including Jewish items in their personal living space.

• Think of ways to break away from the cycle of children "receiving" gifts on Chanukah. Many families have developed new holiday rituals where children give holiday gifts. Families can designate each holiday night for a different type of giving. Each year, during Chanukah, my children go through toys, books and clothes they no longer use and bring them to a pediatric floor or hospitals and to shelters to experience sharing with others.

• Most importantly, fill your homes with all the wonderful smells, sounds, sights and tastes of Chanukah that you remember as being special. Remember that young children especially learn through their five senses and be sure to include children in holiday preparations for a complete learning experience. Expose children to the beauty and warmth of our faith not only on Chanukah, but also on Rosh Hashanah, Sukkos, Tu B'Shevat, Purim, Pesach, Shavuos, and especially on Shabbes. Parents are Jewish children's most important role models.

If we communicate and demonstrate a deep love for our faith and heritage, then their feeling for and attachment to Judaism will certainly grow.

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New JWR contributor Seena Bulmash, M. Ed., is director of
the Joan E. Bobrow Early Childhood Center in Potomac, Maryland.

©1998 Seena Bulmash