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http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
THERE COMES a point in any relationship with reasonable future potential
when accompanying each other to public functions shifts from a monumental
issue into an assumption.
The realization happened for my boyfriend when he received a wedding
invitation that identified me by name, rather than as the unavoidably
inferior "and date."
I, of course, was thrilled with the vote of approval and the reassurance
that his friends think I'm okay. He was curious about the etiquette, in the
event of our untimely break-up before the occasion, would he be allowed to
take another date? Would I still be invited?
The whole idea that he'd even want to take another date so
soon after our unfortunate separation was enough to start just the smallest
of disputes. After only about 45 minutes of verbal jousting, we remembered
his had been simply a hypothetical question. In any case, I told him the
invitation clearly set up a me-or-no-one situation. Simple as that. In college, it's possible to date someone for years without ever actually
going on a date or integrating friends. My brother, a college
junior, is forever meeting up with his so-called girlfriend after hanging out
with his friends until 2 a.m. (which really isn't that late when the evening
starts at 11:30 p.m.). I keep warning him to practice taking her out in
public now, because once college is over, people assume you're part of a
package deal when they see you with the same date twice.
What's even weirder than being a couple is this whole coupling effect
which allows mere acquaintances to become close friends while involved in
parallel relationships.
I find myself now frequently going out with a male friend I used to see
only sporadically. It's likely not a coincidence we upped the social pace
around the same time he started grad school at the university my boyfriend
attends and fell for a really cool woman who happens to work in my field.
Important to note is that the coupling dynamic rarely correlates with
degree of friendship --- especially on the guy's side. Girls make clear from
the start who their friends are, and given no real options and less
inclination to protest, guys adjust.
I always explain it to men like this: it's not that I don't like your
friends, I just don't like you with your friends. It is often a
man's closest pals who are most resistant to the coupling effect. When in the
presence of a really close buddy - particularly a college buddy from a
wilder, singler time - guys are sometimes known to revert to catcalls and
belching. They also become pathetically unable to handle an adult
conversation that might, lets just say, include everyone at the table.
On a happier note (at least from my perspective), dating me has also
resulted in my boyfriend's unexpected reunion with a high school friend who
had grown distant. His friend is nice enough, but the main draw is his
terrific girlfriend. We hit it off so fast and well, the guys were left in an
insecure whirl, begging us to divulge what all we could possibly be chatting
about while walking a purposeful 15 feet ahead.
Yet because our connection is through the guys, we're hesitant to make
the break and truly become friends outside of the couple arrangement. It's a
major step.
Last time the four of us got together, we ended up back at my apartment -
men huddled over a map or computer or some such thing in one room, women
comfortably seated on couches in another. There is something oddly enjoyable
about spending hours gossiping with friend, while knowing the main subjects
of the conversation are just a room away, available for hugging at a moment's
notice.
When I told my mom about the evening and how we engaged in this
fascinating ritual of getting together as couples and dividing by gender, she
was hysterical. Apparently I've gone from being a new couple straight to
being middle aged.
So, I'm thinking about hitting disco night at the dance club this week,
with a big group of fun women. Boyfriends not
Jewish World Review Sept. 12, 2000 / 11 Elul 5760
Unvite invites and other contemporary dating rituals
By Allison Kaplan
Comment on JWR contributor Allison Kaplan's column by clicking here.
