Jewish World Review Nov. 6, 1998 / 17 Mar-Cheshvan, 5759

We may never realize how we help others

By Dr. Laura Schlessinger

SOMETIMES YOU NEVER KNOW the impact you have had in this life.

Maybe you build cars, and one day you worked a little harder on some fitting. You may never find out that the lives of a family were saved because that fitting didn't give way during an accident.

Maybe you knit sweaters. You may never find out that one particular day, someone took one of your sweaters off her back and gave it to someone who needed warmth, physical and human.

Maybe you teach. You may never find out that something you once said to a difficult student changed his whole way of looking at life.

Maybe you write children's stories. You may never find out that your words and images gave solace to a sad child and helped him survive his sojourn in a shelter for battered women.

Perhaps we ought to find out what impact we have had on the world --- we would constantly feel touched, satisfied, gratified and maybe more motivated to work and give.

But that is not the way it is.

Dr. Laura's most recent book is The Ten Commandments: The Significance of G-d's Laws in Everyday Life. Your editor finds it a great read. You may order it by clicking on the link above.

Sometimes, however, we are blessed with moments of realization --- maybe just at the time when we need our faith and hope jump-started. I had one of those moments recently, and it was quite stirring and humbling.

At a book-signing in a suburb of Portland, Ore., a woman in her 30s came up to the table with a book for me to sign and a photo for me to look at.

That is not unusual.

Because I rant and rave so much about the centrality of of family to personal and communal well-being, most folks come up with their kids in tow or with pictures of their families, with a story to tell about how they have changed their lives to serve their families more and better.

The woman showed me a photo with herself between two lovely, smiling children --- a boy and a girl.

I admired the children and remarked how blessed she was to have such a happy, healthy-looking family.

She said: "There's something you need to know about them --- they're here because of you."

I thought she meant they were in Portland instead of somewhere else because of a divorce and custody situation. I have often warned divorced parents against moving away from each other and subjecting their children to the loss of one parent.

That wasn't the case.

The children were adopted from different biological moms who both decided not to abort because of listening to my nagging on the radio.

This was a stunner.

I again looked into the eyes of those two children in the photo, and truthfully, I didn't know what to say or do because I was so overwhelmed.

Those two children will be the continuation of generations of people because their mothers had the courage to give them life and then give them up.

To have been the influence on their mothers' character, conviction, and goodness was an honor. Rather than feeling all puffed up that I had done something great, I felt humbled. In fact, I'm crying as I write this.

At times, life seems quite difficult, if not unbearable. We wonder if we matter, if anything matters. We despair that there may be no point to what we do. At the core of those feelings, is a sense of separateness and isolation, of ultimate uselessness. It is precisely at those times that we need to connect, either by giving or receiving.

One time when I was a graduate student, sad about some stupid grade, I was moping my way onto the subway on my way home. An unkempt old street fellow was standing by the entrance to the subway. As any good, perpetually defensive New Yorker learns to do, I averted my eyes to avoid contact.

But he managed to get my attention by saying: "You're such a pretty lady --- you should be smiling."

I was thunderstruck. He didn't ask for anything; he gave me a gift.

I imagine he will never find out the impact he had on me that day --- and in the almost three decades since then. But he reminded me of two important things: one, that everybody has something to give, and two, no matter what you are feeling or experiencing at the moment, you also have many blessings.

You have touched people and known it. You have touched people and may never know it. Either way, no matter what your life feels like to you right now, you have something to give.

It is when we give to one another that each of our lives becomes meaningful.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is America's most listened to talk-show host. A recent convert to Orthodox Judaism, along with her husband and teenage son, she is the author of several best-selling books.

©1998, Dr. Laura Schlessinger