J W R / Jewish World Review

Jewish World Review / May 27, 1998 / 2 Sivan, 5758

What A Show Today!

By Neil Rubin

WHEN IT COMES TO THE MIDEAST PEACE TALKS, things are uglier than Phyllis Diller at 6 a.m. on a Sunday.

Perhaps you've been too distracted by Kramer's last stand (or fall) to notice. Since that's more likely for most American Jews than being riveted to the latest convoluted nuances of the ever-shifting peace process, we'll skip the latest details.

Meanwhile, there's a real fear that if the talks totally collapse, war is imminent. Because the situation is so serious, it's time to have some fun. After all, everything but humor has been tried to bring the sides back together. That's why I wish the president's crew heard my chat with my Jewish little old lady friend the other day.

"Oprah can get people to agree to anything," she said to me while discussing her version of reality. "And I love that Jerry Springer. Is he really the one who scripts pro-wrestling? Maybe they could do a tag team number on Bibi and Yassir."

Viola! It hit me like a bag of wet noodles falling on my head from a ten story building, which I admit conjures a pretty weird sight.

Someone needs to say it: Ditch the "tough love" efforts of special envoy Dennis Ross and Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. For a new era, we need new vision, and the type defined by American TV culture might fit. So I put in a conference call to Oprah and Jerry. After asking who I was, they hung up. But not to be thwarted, I stayed on the line anyway and outlined this daring plan:

After their latest press conference to blame one another, which should take place tomorrow, both Bibi and Yassir will be handed secret notes. It will be a hand-written invitation from the crew of "Baywatch" to guest star on an upcoming made-for-television movie in which they will be an important world dignitary kidnapped by unemployed professional wrestlers and then rescued by Pamela Lee and five look alikes. To film this, Bibi and Yassir must immediately go in secret to an island off Greece. Does anyone really think they or their libidos will turn this one down?

Once there, our fearless leaders will be led into a large, dark room. Both will arrive at the same time, but enter from different sides. Suddenly, the lights will slam on and our guests will find themselves in the midst of the combined Oprah/Jerry set. Making it even more interesting is that recent guests from both shows will comprise the audience. (Note the conspicuous guys and gals in Klan hats hogging the left corner.) Of course, at Oprah's request, kosher veggie beef burgers from Arkansas will be in continuous supply on the back tables.

Then Oprah and Jerry will get to work, hassling and haranguing both leaders about their stands. Sort of like during Camp David in the late 1970s, the leaders will not be allowed to leave until negotiations are done. Both will try to storm out, but Jerry's body guards won't let that happen. And they'll quickly disarm Bibi's and Yassir's thugs by having the "Baywatch" women supply the endless booze.
To ensure that neither Israeli nor Palestinian outside forces attempt to rescue its leaders, CNN will broadcast that the island is sight of a secret Led Zeppelin and Who reunion. That will bring massive media exposure as well as a slew of American college students on summer vacation who will descend the island and surround the building.

For the first few days, Oprah and Jerry will bring out a continuous string of guests whom they brought back together. After 48 hours of seeing runaways, drug addicts, pregnant teens, cheating husbands, transsexuals, former neo-Nazis and the like, Bibi and Yassir will be more than ready to negotiate just about anything.

Of course, I do have a fear that it will fall apart at the concluding banquet when it comes to arguing over a tip. Yassir will demand a 13 percent tip. Bibi will chide that they already paid 35 percent over the normal rates because of the late hour and insist on nine percent. It could ugly, particularly if any linguini is left on the table.

Mind you, it's all a farce. (You did know that, didn't you?) And the situation really is grave. I don't intend to make light of it all. Well, maybe I do, but it doesn't hurt to let the mind run rest when the alternative is the not-so-distant rumblings of war.

JWR contributor Neil Rubin is managing editor of the Atlanta Jewish Times.