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Jewish World Review June 8, 2001 / 18 Sivan, 5761
EDUCATORS like to tell the story of a social worker who asked a
five-year-old to explain the colors of the traffic signal.
"Green is for go," the child answered, "red is for stop, and yellow is
for speed up."
"Yellow is for speed up?" asked the social worker.
The child nodded vigorously. "Whenever the light turns yellow, my
daddy speeds up!"
Eighty percent of education takes place at home. Whatever
children may learn through homework, lectures, and academic
awards, their parents' models of behavior will shape them far more
profoundly in adulthood.
Most of us understand intuitively that children raised in an
atmosphere of crime will likely grow into criminals, that children
exposed to violence will likely grow up as aggressors. But we
conveniently overlook and dismiss the more subtle behaviors our
own children learn from us, behaviors that, with a small measure of
introspection and self-discipline, we could correct in our children
by correcting them in ourselves.
What lessons do we teach our children about the importance of
education if we don't get them to school on time and neglect to
supervise their homework, if we schedule vacations when school is
in session and let them miss classes for birthdays and major
league baseball games?
What lessons do we teach our children about responsibility if we
never require them to clean up after themselves and never require
them to work for their pocket money, even if we can afford to
indulge them?
What lessons do we teach our children about accountability if we
excuse their poor schoolwork or poor behavior by blaming
classmates, teachers, and principals, or if we refuse to impose
consequences for our children's misconduct by withholding
privileges?
What lessons do we teach our children about self-respect if we
never set standards for them and praise them whether or not they
have done anything worthy of praise, if we are so eager to
program every moment of their lives to be fun that we eliminate all
challenge?
What lessons do we teach our children about civility if we shout
obscenities at other drivers on the highway, if we malign our
neighbors and co-workers at the dinner table, if we answer our cell
phones in the middle of conversations or allow our pagers to
sound off during the symphony?
What lessons do we teach our children about
moderation if we spend twice as much on a
Lexus when really a Camry would do, if the
cost of our new suit or dress or stereo
system could support an entire family for a
month?
What lessons do we teach our children about
compassion if they hear us ardently
discussing our stock portfolios but only hear
about our donations to charity as impositions
or tax deductions?
What lessons do we teach our children about family commitment if
we work late nights at the office, if our only time with them is spent
staring into the television?
What lessons do we teach our children about devotion if we
regularly skip synagogue for golf or tennis, or, if we do attend, we
arrive late, chatter through services, and sleep through the
sermon?
And, on the other hand, consider the lessons that we can teach our
children when we talk with them about school and supervise their
homework, when we plan age-appropriate activities around their
schedules, when we turn off the TV and the internet to read a book
or go for a walk, when we volunteer for school trips or soup
kitchens or visiting the sick, when we speak softly and listen
attentively, when we limit the luxuries that clutter our lives so that we
can focus better on the things that really matter.
Of course, none of us is perfect; we all have our human failings. But
we could all be doing better than we are. By resolving that we will
not be slaves to habit, to greed, or to ego, by committing ourselves
to raise up the standard of discipline, refinement, and integrity that
our duty as parents demands of us, then we will see the changes
we have made in our children by having made them in
Raising a mentsh
By Rabbi Yonason Goldson
JWR contributor Rabbi Yonason Goldson teaches at Block Yeshiva High School and Aish HaTorah in St. Louis, and writes a regular column for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Send your comments by clicking here.