Jewish World Review / March 27, 1998 / 29 Adar, 5758

The Birthday gift

By Lisa S. Lenkiewicz

MARCH IS A big birthday month for our family. In just one week, we celebrate four of them. A fortune is spent at the card shop, and the phone bills skyrocket as my brothers and I brainstorm about the perfect gifts (eventually it falls to me to decide and they simply ask, "How much?"). Caught up in all the shopping frenzy, I began to wonder: How important are birthdays in Judaism?

We know there are certain milestones in our tradition: at the age of three, a boy gets his first haircut; at 13 a person is counted as an adult for a minyan; one is said to have lived a full life at the age of 70; and we extend birthday wishes by saying, "May you live to 120." But what Jewish rituals are there for celebrating birthdays? The answer seems to be very little.

I searched my Judaica library for references to birthdays. There are several items on how Rosh Hashanah is called, Hayom charas olam (Today is the birthday of the world). But I was searching for contemporary birthday references. According to the Encyclopedia Judaica, "The celebration of birthdays is unknown in traditional Jewish ritual." The only reference to a birthday in the Bible is one celebrated by Pharaoh (Gen. 40:20). In some synagogues, special prayers of thanksgiving are recited on significant birthdays, such as 50th, 70th, 80th, etc.

Bringing Jewish spirituality to our children

In Rabbi Hayim Halevy Donin's book, To Be a Jew, we learn that when we want to remember a person, we recall their yahrzeit, their date of death, not date of birth. We remember the person who departs this world having done good deeds. We don't remember the date that person entered the world, for it is not known then how that person will turn out. Donin quotes King Solomon in reference to this point: "A good name is better than precious oil; and the day of death than the day of one's birth"(Ecclesiastes 7:1).

Superstition comes into play also. Jews don't like to rejoice too much; calling attention to a joyous occasion may tempt the evil eye. When there was a simcha in our family, barely a sentence went by without my grandparents (of blessed memory) using the words, "Kayn aynhoreh" or, "no evil eye" in Yiddish. As in, "You children are getting so big, kayn aynhoreh."

Many religious Jews won't tell you the precise number of children they have. I once asked an Orthodox rabbi whom I knew had a large family, "Exactly how many children do you have?" "Exactly...I don't know!" was his clever reply. quickly realized he wouldn't give me a number, not wanting to tempt fate.

A wonderful article from Moment Magazine was published in 1996, noting how birthdays can be an opportunity to introduce spirituality to our children. Here are some ideas the authors of that article suggest:

• How about a birthday Shabbat dinner? On the Shabbat closest to the child's birthday, make that dinner special for the birthday child. You can plan a special menu of their favorite foods, or use a special plate that comes out only once a year.

• Give tzedakah. Give change to the child to put in his/her own tzedakah box. Make a contribution in honor of a birthday.

• Make a birthday book. Put in pictures from the previous year and funny anecdotes about your child. Have everyone write down what they love most about the birthday child.

• Plant a tree. One of the loveliest of our traditions is the planting of a tree when a new baby is born. In Biblical times, a cedar was planted for a son, a cypress for a daughter. When the child married, branches were cut from the tree to make the chuppah. You can plant a tree at each birthday, watching them grow. If this isn't possible, plant a tree in Israel in the Jewish National Fund Children's Forest.