In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Schticks and Groans

Jewish World Review October 28, 2003 / 2 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20500

Memo To:All Members
From:Kohein Gadol
Date:October 27, 2003

With the holidays of Sukkos and Simchas Torah now over, we can all get back to the ongoing task of controlling the world's economy, media, water and food supply (to name only a few of our key interests).

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Many of you have spoken to me about being troubled by having our international conspiracy exposed by the recent remarks of the outgoing Prime Minister of Malaysia, Mahathir Mohamad. Let me remind you that it was our brilliant strategy to give him the soapbox (in English, no less) at the Islamic Conference in Kuala Lumpur (which we, of course, also control) so that world democratic leaders under our control would condemn his comments. This would therefore convince people that his statements were false, and deflect attention from Iraq's democratization, so that we could go back to our business of running the world without undue attention.

Now, some of you may ask why we would go to the trouble of allowing Mr. Mohamad to "expose" our venture in the first place, and should have just left things alone. That approach, is too simple and not worthy of our International Conspiracy methodology. We're Jews, things have to be complex and convoluted, or they don't work properly (I refer you to The Manual, Chapter One, Prime Directive 12).

As an example, let me illustrate this with some other of our ventures.

  1. International Media. (Project #1249) - Since we control virtually every major daily newspaper and syndicated news service, including the major US and European television and radio networks, it is only natural that Jews and Israeli get consistently negative coverage and blame for all the ills of the world. Of course, this is the deliberate smokescreen we need - people would only naturally think that these media would support Jews since they are controlled by us.

  2. UN General Assembly and Security Council (Project #2564) - Here again, since we fund the majority of the nation members, as well as the bureaucracy (not to mention holding the lease to the Headquarters building in New York and other facilities in Geneva, The Hague, etc), we deliberately allow most Muslim and Third World dictatorship nations to consistent heap abuse on Israel, while ignoring the human rights failings of most member nations. Of course, in order to make it appear not so totally one-sided, we let the US have a veto on the Security Council, and allow Micronesia and a few other countries support Israel against the lopsided Muslim/Third World bloc voting. I am sure you would agree that the strategy is indeed brilliant, since it convincingly hides our efforts. In particularly, giving Syria membership on the Security Council and Libya chairmanship of the Human Rights Commission is a perfect smokescreen for our efforts.

  3. The Israeli Economy (Project #4385) - One would logically think that, if Jews are so smart and skilled in business, if you had a whole country full of them, that country would be the Singapore of the Middle East. The fact that the current Israeli Economic Recession (Project #5437) is as profound as it is, (due to the impact of the post-September 11 world recession, high-tech meltdown, and the Palestinian Intifada) is a brilliant mask for its behind-the-scenes success. Much credit should be given to the Histadrut for making the Recession even worse that it is by calling for another General Strike. Both the world and Israelis are now convinced that the country is in its worst recession ever, when in fact, it is showing its best economic year ever.
I could go on, but I think I've already said too much Finally, I would like you to pass the message on to the Pope and Queen Elizabeth that their sales quotas from the international illicit drug trade are slightly down. Frankly, we really don't want to hear excuses from them about the impact of the Canadians legalizing marijuana. We fully expect them to meet quota and revenue streams by year-end. Or else.

Again, you must delete or shred this document immediately. Do not pass it on to anyone, including non-Jews or other puppets we control. See you at tonight's board meeting at the usual location, and please be on time - we have a lot to cover on the agenda. Don't forget to bring the danishes and those chocolate mini-croissants. You know how Elvis, JFK and those Roswell guys love them.

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JewishWorldReview.com contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist. If you found this funny, please send your comments to him by clicking here.

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