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Jewish World Review Nov. 17, 2000 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan,5761
Roger Simon
A: It turns out that in an attempt to save money, the state of Florida had all the votes counted at Disney World in Orlando. Q: Was there a problem with this? A: Yes. It turns out that Pluto ate more than 270,000 thousand ballots, Goofy turned 136,000 into paper airplanes and Donald Duck wrote in his name on nearly half a million. Q: Should we be nervous? A: No. This is the biggest "disconnect" since impeachment: The media are in an absolute tizzy, and the public is yawning. A CBS/New York Times poll has found that 72 percent of Americans are not worried in the least, an ABC/Washington Post poll found that 85 percent are unconcerned, and a poll I did yesterday of one bartender and two cab drivers shows 66 percent think the Mets should have won the World Series, plus or minus 3 percent. Q: Are you convinced that everything in Florida is on the up and up? A: Oh, sure. The governor is George W. Bush's brother, the secretary of state in charge of counting the votes was co-chairman of the Bush campaign in the state. Plus, according to USA Today, "She has been investigated for campaign-finance violations and criticized for spending state money jetting around the world, spending up to $500 a night for hotel rooms in Washington." Q: Is that a lot for a hotel room in Washington? A: You can stay in the Lincoln Bedroom for cheaper. Q: So Florida might not be the most honest state in America in terms of counting ballots? A: Let's just say that when I die I want to be buried in Florida so I can still take an active part in politics there. Q: But why were so many people confused about how to vote in Florida? A: This is a mystery. How come people who can keep track of six bingo cards at one time can't mark a ballot? Q: Since Gore got more votes than Bush nationwide, why isn't he the president-elect? A: Because the Founding Fathers invented something called the Electoral College, which was originally a beauty school granting degrees in cosmetology. Q: Really? A: No, not really. The Electoral College was created because the Founders had an 18th century fear of the masses and wanted to be sure the landed gentry ultimately controlled presidential elections. Q: Do we still have a landed gentry in America? A: No, we traded them for Alaska. Q: But what happens if we don't have a new president by Jan. 20? A: Bush and Gore could become co-presidents, each serving for two years. Or Plan B. Q: What's Plan B. A: Bill Clinton becomes president for life. Q: Would that be a bad thing? A: Well, we wouldn't have to repaint. Q: One last question: What is that thing on George W. Bush's face? A: A boil. He got it immediately after Election Day. Q: Is it serious?
A: No, but if it is followed by frogs, gnats, flies, hail, locusts, darkness and rivers
turning to blood ... he better watch
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