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Jewish World Review Sept. 25, 2000/ 24 Elul, 5760

Wesley Pruden

Wes Pruden
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Consumer Reports

Gore plot exposed!
The secret minutes -- THIS JUST IN, off the Internet. Since Al Gore invented the Internet, it must be genuine. Or maybe it came in over the transom, which is why we keep the last transom in town.

Whatever. It appears to be a transcript of some sort of strategy meeting in Nashville. All the Gore regulars seem to have been there good ol' Al and Holy Joe. A consultant. A pollster. Aides, arrangers, fixers, writers, pizza delivery men.

For what it's worth, a partial text:

UNIDENTIFIED CONSULTANT: The good news is that we continue to look good in New York and Massachusetts.

But internal polls show slippage in the Midwest, and worst of all, there's trouble in Florida and Tennessee.

POLLSTER: Zogby has our lead cut in half over the last week, it's shrinking with Gallup. Battleground shows Bush ahead by three points. Soon the guys on the plane will catch on.

MR GORE: I could kiss Tipper again.

CONSULTANT: Uh, we thought of that. Tipper nixed it. She just said no.

MR GORE: Kissing Oprah might be fun.

CONSULTANT: Didn't you see the papers? She insisted we let George do it.

POLLSTER: We've got to hold Tennessee.

MR GORE: Particularly if I can't hold Tipper.

CONSULTANT: The evangelicals are drifting away in dribs and drabs. You're telling too many fibs. They take seriously whatever that commandment is about not telling fibs and whoppers.

HOLY JOE: It's one of the most important of all the Thou Shalt Nots.

MR GORE: But I did invent beisbol. Maybe not the whole game. But I was the first to play it at St. Alban's. Only we called it cricket.

CONSULTANT: Florida's worse. Joe is holding the Jews in Dade County, but we're losing the Baptist crackers in the panhandle.

MR GORE: I could make a speech in Pensacola about the time I baptized my sister's cat. I could tell the Jesus joke that cracked Joe up in L.A.

POLLSTER: Nah, those family sob stories don't work anymore. Not since the whopper you told about the dog eating your mama's prescription.

CONSULTANT: Right. We need something really dramatic, with good visuals.

HOLY JOE: You could photograph me in person, walking to synagogue on the Sabbath.

POLLSTER: Uh, no. Some of the rabbis are livid at the things we've had you saying about what's kosher and what's not.

CONSULTANT: Yeah, we've pushed the G-d talk as far as we can. Unless we can get a fresh angle.

MR GORE: Any ideas?

CONSULTANT: Actually, yes. Joe made a nice U-turn on the Hollywood stuff, so now the voters expect him to be, uh, flexible, in his beliefs. What we do is, Joe and the missus convert to another religion. This is our October surprise. Maybe in a black church. Lots of tears and shouting and hip-hop hymns. The sawdust trail and all that. We'll get terrific visuals.

MR GORE: My, G-d. Uh, excuse me, Joe. G-d. The rabbis will go bonkers.

POLLSTER: Actually, no. Some of them are so fed up with you already they'll probably say good riddance.

HOLY JOE: But I believe in my own religion.

MR GORE: Pipe down, Holy Joe. I'll decide what you believe in.

HOLY JOE: Isn't one Baptist on the ticket enough? Deep water scares me.

CONSULTANT: No, no. We'll be more inclusive than that. We'll sprinkle you into a Methodist.

HOLY JOE: What about Unitarian? I could be a Unitarian and still be a Jew. Or even a high-church Episcopalian. But I won't turn gay. That's absolutely final.

POLLSTER: We've got focus groups working on that. We'll let you know.

HOLY JOE: You're asking a lot, if you ask me.

MR GORE: Well, I'm not asking you.

HOLY JOE: You're the boss, boss.

POLLSTER: Look, there's precedent. The Queen is an Anglican in London and a Presbyterian in Edinburgh.

Sometimes she converts in her sleep, when her train crosses into Scotland. She just lies there and doesn't feel a thing.

CONSULTANT: Sure, you can still be a Jew on Saturday. If the rabbis will have you.

POLLSTER: And when the campaign is over you can do whatever you want.

MR GORE: Yeah, after the election we're going to do a lot of things we can't talk about now.

HOLY JOE: Gee, I don't know. It's pretty bad to lie about everything you believe in. Some people take religion pretty seriously. A lot of people used to think I did.

MR GORE: Look, Joe, do you want to be vice president or not?

HOLY JOE: Can you help me with the words of the third verse of 'Amazing Grace'?

JWR contributor Wesley Pruden is editor in chief of The Washington Times. Comment by clicking here.


09/18/00: Playing politics with the blood supply
09/14/00: Al sets out to find his 'tolerance level'
09/12/00: When it's time for a thumb in the eye
09/07/00: Making a daughter a campaign asset
09/04/00: A footnote to the lie: How he beats the rap
08/30/00: Unbearable lightness of a cyberjournal
08/21/00: Clinton chickens on AlGore's roost
08/16/00: The long goodbye to California's cash
08/09/00: Innocence by proxy is a risky scheme
08/07/00: After insulin shock, an authentic rouser
08/02/00: When it gets hard not to get a little giddy
07/31/00: George W.'s legions of summer soldiers
07/26/00: He's set a surprise --- or a trap for himself
07/24/00: How do you serve a turkey in August?
07/19/00: Would Hillary sling a lie about a slur?
07/17/00: Process, not peace, at a Velveeta summit
07/12/00: The Texas two-step, a nudge and a wink
07/10/00: The Great Mentioner and his busy season
07/05/00: No Mexican standoff in these results
07/03/00: Denting a few egos in the U.S. Senate
06/28/00: Bureaucracy amok! Punctuation in peril!
06/26/00: The water torture of American resolve
06/21/00: The happy hangman is a busy hangman
06/19/00: Dick Gephardt finds a Dixie dreamboat
06/14/00: Taking a byte out of innovation
06/12/00: 'Go away, little boy, you're bothering us'
06/07/00: When a little envy is painful to watch
06/05/00: Fire and thunder, bubble and squeak
05/31/00: South of the border, politics is pepper
05/26/00: Running out of luck with home folks
05/24/00: The heart says no, but the head says yes
05/22/00: A fine opportunity to set an example
05/17/00: The Sunday school for Republicans
05/15/00: Hillary's surrogate for telling tall tales
05/10/00: Listening to the voice of an authentic man
05/08/00: First a lot of bluster, then the retreat
05/02/00: Good news for Rudy, bad news for Hillary
04/28/00: The long goodbye to Elian's boyhood
04/25/00: Spooked by Castro, Bubba blinks
04/14/00: One flag down and two memorials to go
04/11/00: Consistency finds a jewel in Janet Reno
04/07/00: Here's the good word (and it's in English)
04/04/00: When bureaucrats mock the courts
03/28/00: How Hollywood sets the virtual table
03/24/00: Dissing a president can ruin a whole day
03/20/00: When shame begets the painful insult
03/14/00: The risky business of making an apology
03/10/00: The pouters bugging a weary John McCain
03/07/00: When all good things (sob) come to an end

© 2000 Wes Pruden