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Jewish World Review Nov. 20, 2000/ 22 Mar-Cheshvan, 5761

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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Dailey deceptions -- WE LIVE in an age of specialization. If you have a pain in your foot, you go to a foot specialist --- different ones depending on if it's your right or left foot. If you have a pain in the neck, you go to a neck specialist. And talking about pains in the neck, if you lose an election, you call in William Daley.

When the Democrats thought that nefarious activities might have lost them the original vote count, or the first recount of the first vote, or the second recount of the first vote, or the first recount of the second vote, depending on how you look at it, they called in a specialist: Mr. Daley.

Mr. Daley appeared on every television screen in America claiming that Al Gore was the real winner and that the Democrats were the victims of chicanery, or incompetence --- or worse. To give gravitas to the situation they had former Secretary of State Warren Christopher, who looked like he was in the midst of a bad bowel movement, scowling over his shoulder.

Generally a man must be trained in the art of crooked elections. Mr. Daley, however, comes to his expertise genetically.

Every serious study of the 1960 presidential election indicated that crooked machinations by William Daley's father, the then-mayor of Chicago, won the election for John F. Kennedy. Illinois was the Florida of the 1960 elections, having enough votes (27) in the Electoral College to put Kennedy over the top. Daley was able to produce custom-made vote fraud.

Nixon had downstate Illinois support. Mr. Daley, though only having authority in Chicago, put people in downstate Will and Dupage counties. Only in the early morning of the day after the election, after Mr. Daley's people reported to him the results of the polling in these two downstate counties, did Mr. Daley release the Cook County numbers. Lo and behold, the Cook County results were just large enough (less than two tenths of 1 percent) to exceed Nixon's margin in the rest of the state, thereby delivering all of Illinois' 27 electoral votes to Kennedy.

Nixon, after beginning to contest the stolen election, decided, in his best moment, for the benefit of the country to withdraw his objections. Both President Ford and New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani acted similarly when faced with questionable lost elections.

Forget global warming, secondhand cigarette smoke, or Armageddon. Now the fate of America and perhaps even the future history of the world hinges on something previously unknown --- the "chad." We now hear about hanging, swinging, tri, pregnant, dimpled, pimpled, and expectant chad. Worse yet, the rules on chad and the significance of the state of the chad seem to change midstream in the recounts and these monumental determinations are dependent on the subjective judgment of people who don't have a regular job, and are doing this as piecework for the county at minimum wage.

If all of this is not bad enough, Jesse Jackson has now descended like pigeon poop on Florida. Mr. Jackson, who is a reverend without a church, a businessman without a job, and a shadow senator --- that's a senator without a state --- makes his living by taking bad situations and making them worse.

Jesse runs to misfortunes like anybody else would go to a bar mitzvah. He never saw a flood, fire, or famine with which he didn't fall in love. Since there is no hurricane in Miami at the present time, he has to content himself with making general mischief among the elderly Jewish women on their way home from having their nails painted.

Stranger yet is the sight of Jesse Jackson, famous for calling New York city "hymie town," preaching to the elderly Jews of Miami Beach who have now proved that, if they didn't actually have Alzheimer's disease, they were at least a little forgetful.

And now Alan Dershowitz, a new boy, has pulled up a seat at the table and has joined the party. Perhaps he is only the first member of the "dream team" to arrive on the scene --- the others to follow on the theory if they could help O.J. Simpson beat a murder rap, maybe they can help Mr. Gore beat the ballot count. Mr. Dershowitz may give Mr. Gore the honor of going down in the history books along with O.J. Simpson and Klaus von Bulow.

One thing is clear. Mr. Gore could easily be elected president of Palm Beach. Maybe the widows would not be as good-looking as Tipper, but they would make better chicken soup.

Mr. Gore apparently found no controlling legal authority that would suggest to him that for the benefit of the country we should really just move on. It is understandable that in an administration that has trouble defining a two letter word --- "is" --- a four letter word --- "lost" --- would require somewhat more time. But calling in Mr. Daley to be your point man is like calling in Willie Sutton's son if you suspect that your house has been robbed.

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.


11/07/00: The art of lying
10/31/00: The only effective way to clean up American politics
10/24/00: PLEASE, Mr. Mugger
10/10/00: Lieber(al)man creates new Jewish denomination
10/03/00: Space invaders
09/12/00: A Delicatessen Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand (with apologies to A. Lincoln)
08/23/00: Life's certainties
07/31/00: AlGore needs a doctor --- badly!
07/03/00: Only a coincidence?
06/01/00: Can a liberal make sense?
06/02/00: Never give a GOPer a break
05/17/00: Computers, OY VEY!
05/02/00: Cuba si, Castro nu
04/17/00: Gen. Kennedy for Commander-in-Chief
04/06/00: Guns, hypocrisy and common sense
03/31/00: What's sleazier than a lawyer?
03/23/00: Clinton the 3-D Man
03/10/00: Politics or Pro Wrestling?
02/28/00: Free advice to the pundits: Get a life --- and new jobs
02/14/00: She Flunked!

© 2000, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder. This article first appeared in online edition of The =Washinton Times.