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Jewish World Review Sept. 10, 2001/ 21 Elul, 5761

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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Consumer Reports

Peter Vallone for mayor -- WE think that the most underestimated politician in New York is Peter Vallone. We also think that if the people in New York City were intelligent, the mayoral race would be no contest and the race would have to be called off right now because there would be no votes for any opponent of Peter Vallone. Obviously, it's not a matter of stupidity, it's a question of involvement. Politics is the only subject that people talk about so much and know so little and care to know even less.

When people talk about baseball, they know facts, figures, and percentages. In other words, they care about results. But when they judge politicians, results are the only thing they never even heard about. Suddenly they have more important considerations like "Why would anybody walk around with such a bulging jacket?" Or, "I can't stand his eyes, that blinking gets on my nerves." Or sometimes it's something more profound like, "He sweats too much, he reminds me of my ex-husband". Or sometimes it might be a momentous question like "Why does he act like such a big shot? Just because he's running the government he doesn't have to act like he has a right to order people around. He even admits it himself! I heard him on TV, he wasn't ashamed to say, I ordered this investigation, I ordered this report. It's one thing after another, ordering people around. Who the hell does he think he is? Why, because he got more votes than anybody else, does that make him any better than you and I? My sister-in-law was the same way. That's why I couldn't stand her either."

Somehow you never hear these kind of nonsensical irrelevancies when people are discussing something that matters to them like baseball. They don't care if a player has a great personality, the right jacket, or perfect teeth. They care if he got a home run. This is why Vallone has a big problem. He keeps talking about the things that really make a difference, but he's talking to people who don't see the difference and don't care to know the difference. They are saying in effect "Don't bother me with things that will save the streets or save lives. We have more important problems."

It's no accident that the American people are constantly fooled by the fakery of phony politicians. They're not fooled by fake ballplayers, because they can't just talk a good game, they have to play a good game. While Vallone knows how to play, his opponents only know how to talk. If people are ignorant enough, they won't know the difference between the real accomplishments of Vallone and the blabbering nonsense of his opponents. For instance, Alan Hevesi has decided that the best road to the mayoralty is to attack Giuliani.

Every day, he claimed Giuliani ignored, neglected, or created the loss of millions of dollars which threatened to bankrupt the city. The fact that Hevesi had a track record that was almost perfectly wrong meant nothing to him. Since then he has been trying to create a profile of himself as a man who was running the city when he was actively running only his mouth. Unfortunately Hevesi, who has the charisma of a double by-pass, has performed one of the great miracles of campaign politics. After spending almost two million dollars on a TV advertising campaign, brilliantly designed to overwhelm his competition, he actually lost 10 points in the polls. This is the first time anybody ever spent so much money going backwards in the history of politics. Hevesi acts like a wandering Jew who sounds like he was enslaved in Eqypt and just discovered this city when the campaign started. He is wandering around like he's lost in search of an issue. He knows he has to sound like he knows something, so he keeps making statements, speeches, and accusations, but nothing comes out.

His other worthy opponent is Mark Green, the perpetual candidate who will run any time for any office at a moments notice. If you give him another moment, he'll even find out the name of the office he's running for. After spending a lifetime encouraging any form of violence against the police, he suddenly discovered that we could actually use the police to stop the violence.

While Peter Vallone was creating the unique concept of Safe Streets Safety program, which for the first time really put criminals out of business, Mark Green was equally inventive in finding ways to exploit his job as public advocate, to promote his own business every time he could find a product light enough to lift up to a camera, he would make earth shattering news.

Like the fact that sun tan lotion suddenly went up by three cents on 48th St. when it could be bought for 7 cents less in Patterson NJ and only ten minutes later he had even more devastating news that razor blades when bought by the dozen comes to 9 cents less than toilet paper when bought by the pound. These remarkable revelations which did so much to save the city plus the savings averaging 89 cents for every New Yorker over 65 have catapulted him into the number one position in the mayoral race. Nothing could better prove the point that for the mentality of the typical New Yorker, pictures and publicity are much more important than brains and performance.

His next inconceivable opponent is Bronx borough president Freddie Ferrer. He looks and acts like a bellicose Jewish lawyer with a perfect tan who never found out the sun is bad for the skin. While Hevesi sounds like a lost intellectual in search of an issue, Ferrer is just the opposite. He has a definite issue and it's a burning, steaming, horrifying issue -"the divided city". We obviously have a problem here that nobody ever heard of before, which is why some people are still making more money than other people which is therefore creating an even bigger problem of certain people living in bigger houses, buying more cars, more expensive dresses and even more designer jeans than the people with less money, some of whom even went back to Columbia because they couldn't sell enough drugs.

Nothing more proves my point than the fact that Koch and Guiliani, two people who can't even agree on what time it is, and in general fight each other so violently that you usually need a referee to separate them, find themselves in agreement on only one thing, that the best man for the job is Vallone. But, most important, we need Peter Vallone because we desperately need a gentile to protect the Jews from the Jews. Remember Crown Heights, where were all the mainstream Jewish politicians during the three day progrom --- hiding like thieves!

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.



© 2001, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder.