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Jewish World Review March 23, 2000/ 16 Adar II, 5760

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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Clinton the 3-D Man -- REMEMBER THOSE funny little cardboard glasses they used to hand out when you went to a 3-D movie? Save your money. You can look at and listen to a real-life 3-D man: dangerous, deceptive and degenerate. Only now he's not in a movie house. He is living in the White House.

The good news is that the show is for free. The bad news is that real people can be harmed. With a 3-D man Clinton, you could probably throw in some more "D's" -- "depraved", "dishonest", "disingenuous", "disgraceful" and "dishonorable" -- and still not overstate your case.

When you use a word like "dangerous" you are usually speaking about 85-year-old drivers in Miami Beach. The streets of Miami are filled with cars going around with no drivers, but if you look closely enough, you might see a pair of elderly eyes barely peeping over the dashboard.

Standing between a pastrami sandwich and your brother-in-law at the Carnegie delicatessen might also be called "dangerous." But when you talk about "dangerous" in connection with Clinton, you are talking about things that are off the Richter Scale of outrageous conduct.

A President who, while on the telephone with a congressional leader discussing the need for sending American boys into battle, has a young girl on her knees in front of him taking care of his needs, is truly dangerous. Strangely enough, the Congressman who was on the other end of the telephone said he did not detect anything unusual in the President's conversation.

"Deceptive" was when you asked somebody who was fixing you up on a blind date, "Is she good-looking?", and he would answer, "She's very intelligent." "Deceptive" could also be telling your wife, after you had just come back from a "business trip," which really involved Las Vegas and jumping up and down on an eighteen year old girl, that business left you totally exhausted.

For Clinton, "deceptive" means not understanding what the word "is" means, or not being able to decipher the meaning of the word "here." "Do you mean 'here' in this room?" "Maybe you mean 'here' in the hotel, or does 'here' mean on the table, or maybe 'here' in this galaxy as opposed to another?" The trouble is that Clinton is not merely lying to his wife. Clinton doesn't really lie to his wife. He only lies when he speaks to her. Clinton did something far worse. He lied under oath, a polite way of saying he committed perjury. He also suborned perjury, lied to the Congress and the American people, and also got others to lie.

His deceptiveness also caused people to lose their lives. If you believe it was just a coincidence that Clinton ordered bombings, killing innocent civilians, just as the investigative noose was closing around his neck, then we have a bridge over here on the East River we would like to sell you.

It's a pity they don't have the old 3-D movies around anymore. We were a much better people when we watched 3-D in the movies than when we had to have the real 3-D man in our lives. But the real problem may be that Clinton might only be the coming attraction for the 3-L man: Al Gore - lowlife, liar, and lackluster.

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.


03/10/00: Politics or Pro Wrestling?
02/28/00: Free advice to the pundits: Get a life --- and new jobs
02/14/00: She Flunked!

© 2000, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder. This article first appeared in The American Spectator online