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Jewish World Review March 10, 2000/ 3 Adar II, 5760

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

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Politics or Pro Wrestling? -- IDA JUST CAN'T WIN a fight with her husband Irving.

Irving told Ida he was going out to visit a sick friend in the hospital. Ten, 11, 12 o'clock, one in the morning, still no Irving. Ida lay waiting, ready to pounce on him like General Rommel waiting for the British to stop for a drink of water in North Africa.

Irving tiptoes in the door at two o'clock in the morning, his clothes disheveled, powder on his collar and smelling like he fell asleep under Macy's perfume counter. Ida jumps on him calling him every kind of low-life degenerate bum known to the civilized world. Irving listens, then calmly says to her, "See, you're being negative again." Ida stammers, "But it's true." "It may be true", says Irving, "but it's negative." "Oh, it's negative, then I'm sorry," says Ida as she slinks up the stairs in defeat.

The next day, in the neighborhood delicatessen, Irving was taking bows on his victory over Ida. Amidst cheers and congratulations, everyone wanted to know how Irving devised his winning strategy. "Simple," explained Irving, "I learned it from the vice president." Irving explained that when he was watching the New Hampshire debates between Gore and Bradley, every time Bradley pointed out that Gore lied or had changed positions, Gore would turn to him and say, "There you go again being negative." Bradley would then run away from the subject as if he were a vampire with a wooden cross shoved in his face.

The next week, Bradley pointed out, "In 1991 he [Gore] told his hometown newspaper that in order to win an election you have to rip your opponents lungs out and then move on." The following day, Gore's spokesman, Chris Lehane pounced on Bradley for resorting to negative campaigning and said he [Bradley] had stooped to "attack lines."

The present gang in the White House has allowed political dialog to descend to the phoniness of professional wrestling.

After making 60 political trips to New York, and reimbursing the taxpayers at the ridiculous rate of about 500 dollars a trip for her and all of her retinue on a private Air Force jet plane, and other related expenses (this is not even to mention things like side-trips to the Middle East to woo Jewish voters back home), Hillary attacked Mayor Giuliani for allowing his press secretary, Sunny Mindel, to answer some political questions from reporters. Questions that she didn't know they were going to ask beforehand.

At last week's annual National Prayer Breakfast, President Clinton preached to the audience that, "We slip from honest differences, which is healthy, into dishonest demonization." He really ought to explain that to Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Billy Dale, Ken Starr and the legions of women who were subject to Clinton's degenerate advances, and who, in return, were publicly humiliated, lied about, and discredited with all the power and prestige that the President and his cronies could exert. And, of course, for those not singled out individually, Hillary Clinton took care of them by labeling them, on national television, as part of a "vast right-wing conspiracy."

Thinking things over, we prefer professional wrestling to politics. In wrestling you have a choice whether to buy a ticket for the show or not, and the most you can lose is the price of the ticket. In wrestling you can walk out at any time, and not get stuck with the same characters for four years. And of course, the wrestlers are much more honest (not to mention better actors).

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.


02/28/00: Free advice to the pundits: Get a life --- and new jobs
02/14/00: She Flunked!

© 2000, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder. This article first appeared in The American Spectator online