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Jewish World Review March 8, 2002/ 24 Adar, 5762
Marianne M. Jennings
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com --
THERE will never be a cure for AIDS. Nor will there ever be a diet pill that does not have side effects such as exploding aorta valves. Likewise there will never be any form of pharmaceutical birth control that does not cause class-action lawsuits. There is a reason that Dolly, the cloned sheep, has decomposing DNA.
Mother Nature is a surly type. She will not sit idly by as her subjects practice defiance. If you doubt her power, try melting one of those nonfat, low-cal butter substitutes in a frying pan. Like all alien creatures, the fake spread will have an indestructible life of its own as it darts about the pan, completely immune to heat.
Mother Nature blesses us with pregnancy and STDs to keep us somewhat chaste. Cloning, stem-cell research and other ghoulish habits of biotech will bring Frankensteinian results. Pills that curb the appetite, eliminate hunger pangs or afford the alleged luxury of "eat all you want," will send us to an early grave, albeit lighter. Mother Nature has her lines in the sand. Cross them and lightening bolt consequences await.
Speaking of lines, and despite her clear autocracy, defiance of Mom's au natural rules continues. Enter Botox. Botox, the injectable drug used to date for spasmic disorders of the face, will soon have FDA approval for the treatment of wrinkles. Nearly 1.1 million Americans have already injected botulinum toxin A, aka Botox, into their furrowed brows in their quests for smooth skin.
Cher has lost her competitive edge. Youth springs eternal, at least until the first side effects of Botox inevitably emerge. Then come the deformities, the health costs, the class action suits and Mother Nature's hearty laugh on the sidelines.
Botox's first side effect is already known and apparent. In the process of losing the wrinkles, Botox disciples lose their facial expression. The Botox countenance is one with all the dynamism of Ben Stein. Even when his voice is excited, his face is deadpan. Utter jubilance or rage find Mr. Stein with the monotonous look of his most famous role, "Bueller? Bueller? Anyone? Anyone?" Director Martin Scorsese says that so many actors use Botox that he can't find actors who can actually look angry. Willie Nelson may be able to name his price.
Human nature, a subsidiary of Mother Nature, makes aging a chore for us all. Potions for age reversal have long arrested human intelligence. Botox is, after all, the injection of botulism into the forehead. Testosterone has been swallowed, injected and used for bathing. Caligula was gruesome in both the getting and using of it. Scientists and physicians fiddled with rejuvenation via hormones and mixtures of secretions and blood as early as the 9th century. Yoric, the medieval barber/doctor, with his bloodletting and leeches, had nothing on the quacks today. Check out drinking one's urine as a formula (www. jesus-diet.com/urine Warning: entire website falls into the category of "too much information").
Mother Nature has let us dabble in youth preservation. Hair color has not yet produced brain tumors, although hair plugs and pieces, speak, or rather, scream, for themselves. But, she will not allow a fountain of youth. Ponce de Leon tried and ended up in the Everglades. Environmentalist PR aside - it's a gigantic swamp and the water is worse than anything Erin Brockovich uncovered.
Here in Phoenix, one of the nation's retirement havens, the post-Viagra years have witnessed senior citizens coupling in public places such as golf courses and parking lots. Viagra has created sociological issues Mother Nature had already curbed through aging's impotence. Now children must ask at 11:00 PM where their octogenarian parents are because they have become the cast of American Pie in Sun City West.
Mother Nature has made it clear that the ravages of age are intended. Joan Rivers' face is a taut monument to the downside of facelifts. Ms. Rivers' slit-like eyes are drawn so outward and upward that she appears to be wearing cat-eye glasses. Oh, Edgar, if you could see her now. Oh, Edgar, if only she could see.
Sags and wrinkles are Mother Nature's imprimatur for wisdom and experience. Dignity is a benefit of aging. Mandatory restraint is aging's upside, not its curse. Wrinkles were bought and paid for through the besting life's challenges. If the outside is perpetually smooth, the inside is slick.
Botox is Huxley's Brave New World. Everyone is perfect and youthful, embryo- split to perfection. An elegant world of flawless automatons. A society with absolutely no substance. Beverly Hills attitudes and values will spread to Fargo and Cleveland.
Go ahead. Get your Botox for a line-free, emotionless face. Mother Nature has provided advance notice of the curse. One psychiatrist has said Botox may be the one thing that permits us to have our cake and eat it, too. Fat chance, as it were. It's not nice to fool Mother Nature, and she's not a gracious
02/28/02: The dangers of organized philanthropy
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