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Jewish World Review Jan. 2, 2003/ 28 Teves, 5763
Marianne M. Jennings
The year that was
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2002 began with President Bush choking on a pretzel and ended with Trent Lott gagging on his foot. Connie Chung jumped from CBS to CNN, Greta Van Susteren leaped from CNN to Fox News with a spring in her step and a lift in her face, and David Letterman stayed put at CBS after making NBC and ABC jump and Ted Koppel nervous.
Criminals had a tough year. Nevada, home of organized crime, denied Mike Tyson, ex-con, his boxing license. John Gotti, dapper don, died in prison. RIP, not.
Sara Jane Olsen, aka Kathleen Soliah, aka former hippie, hiding for 30 years as a homemaker wife of a physician, aka soccer mom, entered a guilty plea to bombings, murder, etc., causing baby boomer journalists to mutter to the FBI, "Pick, pick, pick!"
Pete Rose bet wrong on being allowed into baseball's Hall of Fame. Baretta, aka Robert Blake, was indicted for the murder of his wife, and Rep.James Traficant (D-Ohio) was convicted of corruption and cruelly sentenced to prison without his hairpiece.
Some of the international underworld caught a break. Thugs and dictators saw to it that Jimmy Carter won the Nobel. Diana's former butler, Paul Burrell, was acquitted of charges of swiping Diana's things after the Queen, an avid Court TV fan, phoned in to explain that she and Paul had a deal.
The DC snipers enjoyed a long run as Chief Moose and his merry band of 22 law enforcement agencies clamoring for media attention busied themselves looking for a Southern white male who listens to Rush Limbaugh and loathes Tom Daschle. A black male crouched in the back seat of a Caprice with a sniper rifle escaped their eagle eyes.
Marital bliss came to Julia Roberts but eluded Jennifer Lopez for the second time, with Ben Affleck the now charmed third in line to try for J-Lo. Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley's 4-month-long wedded bliss gave Mr. Affleck pause. Rudy Giuliani and Jack Welch experienced hurricane force ex-wives in their divorce proceedings.
Tiger Woods was slammed when women were excluded from the clubhouse at the British Open. He was grand slammed when the New York Times discovered Augusta National Golf Club does not permit broads as members.
Defying biology and physics, Rosie O'Donnell fathered a child, Michael Jackson's child survived dangling from a hotel window, and Al Gore got more boring.
Hollywood's new affirmative action program slighted Martin Lawrence. The star of Big Momma's House condemned Tinsel Town for not honoring his work, something he claimed is equally as awful as Adam Sandler's. Halle Berry, whilst partially clad in designer garb, read the Declaration of Independence, the Emancipation Proclamation and the Unabomber epistle as her best actress Oscar acceptance speech. Mr. Gore loved it.
The Miss America contest turned ugly with a catfight between two women both claiming to be Miss North Carolina. Pageant sponsors were humiliated when the new Miss America began harping about abstinence. Pageant officials huffed, "Why can't she just yammer about AIDS or world peace?"
Each week saw a new corporate bankruptcy, a new dive in the Dow, another airline in bankruptcy and new allegations of molestations against Catholic priests. Church leadership cautioned, "Let's not rush to judgment on concealed perversions."
Husky idlers besieged corporate America. Those who did not have their stomachs stapled demanded that Southwest Airlines accommodate their girth with two-for-one-seats and sued McDonald's as the root cause of obesity.
We lost Peggy Lee and Rosemary Clooney along with Richard Harris, Waylon Jennings and Johnny Unitas. Clinton's Buddy the dog and cosmetics' Mary Kay rest in peace for their noble work. Wendy's Dave Thomas passed on before lardite lawsuits against hamburger joints began.
The year that brought us the Osbournes also brought the Olympics. Dude! The U.S. swept the gold in snowboarding. Every Olympic athlete was given 3.4 condoms. Most ice skaters won the gold because a French judge threw the contest to the Russians. However, the Canadian ice skaters got the contract for Crest Whitestrips ads.
Environmentalists were sullen and mute as the forests of the West burned. NOW protested CBS's Victoria's Secret fashion show and pronounced Tiger Woods an animal.
Sen. Hillary Clinton finished her memoirs as her husband asked for an extension on his because of a demanding schedule that included playing sax with Dan Akroyd for the grand opening of the Mohegan Sun Casino of upstate NY.
Airport security was federalized. Crackerjack screeners who know Jack Daniels when they smell him caught all pilots with blood alcohol levels above 0.04.
The truly tacky memorial service/pep rally for the late Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-Minn) had so many viewers that Republicans swept the elections the following Tuesday. But Democrats were revived when Mr. Gore announced that he would not run in 2004.
The year ended on a sad note. Actress Kim Cattrall, co-star of Sarah Jessica Parker, threw her co-author third husband (Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm) out because he was "obsessed" with sex. Apparently, there was too much sex in the city.
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