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July 7th, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Dec. 27, 2021

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Donald Trump announced Tuesday he'll hold a press conference on January 6th. It's to mark the one-year anniversary of the Capitol riots. You get canceled if you directly say what the rioters were furious about, but the latest polls show that nine out of every four people regret voting for Biden.

Kamala Harris stated Thursday she'd get better media coverage if she were a white man. For Pete's sake, her ancestor in Jamaica owned more slaves than my ancestor did in Alabama, and as San Francisco DA, she jailed more black men than Lincoln freed. How white does she need to be?

North Korea's dictator Kim Jung Un marked the tenth anniversary of the death of his father Kim Jong-Il with a parade. To honor him, Kim issued a national order that nobody laugh for eleven days. To ensure compliance, North Koreans are binge-watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

Ghislaine Maxwell's trial for recruiting underage girls to her billionaire boss Jeffrey Epstein and his friends went to the jury in New York. She must feel like the world's most betrayed waitress now. If convicted she could get fourteen-to-sixteen years, which was what the boys ordered in the first place.

Bette Midler lost her mind over Senator Joe Manchin's opposition to the spending bill Sunday and called West Virginians poor, illiterate and strung out. In my experience, I've learned that if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If that doesn't work throw chocolate at her.

Beverly Hills residents report a string of home robberies in which thieves pull up in their cars and rob people walking to the mailbox. That can be a long and vulnerable walk. In Beverly Hills, your mailbox location shows how far you can walk in your robe without looking like a mental patient.

Tiger Woods and twelve-year-old son Charlie captured the hearts of the golf world last week in the PNC tournament. It was heartening to see Tiger back on the course. Tiger is such an amazing golfer that last year after his SUV crash, when the doctor took his blood pressure he was twelve under.

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Hillary Clinton posted a warm Christmas message Tuesday as Special Counsel John Durham continued to dig into her 2016 campaign tactics. The Clintons have a family ritual at all holiday dinners. After they sit down at the table, they hold hands, close their eyes and get their stories straight.

The NFL will plant hundreds of trees at La Cienega Pass in L.A. to offset the greenhouse gases emitted at So-Fi Stadium by the Super Bowl. It's part of a trend. The NBA will plant hundreds of life insurance companies in Cleveland to offset all the shootings during the NBA All-Star Weekend.

The Tournament of Roses Parade takes place next week on Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena headed by this year's Grand Marshall LeVar Burton. One of the parade sponsors is Stove Top Stuffing which was only fitting, because only Stove Top has been in more turkeys than LeVar Burton.

The Jacksonville Jaguars fired highly-ballyhooed coach Urban Meyer before the season even ended due to his dictatorial manner with players. It was no surprise to me his surly personality got him fired. In training camp, Mayer released Tim Tebow, and all he wanted to play was team chaplain.

The Food and Drug Administration approved a new pill made by Pfizer that successfully treats Covid once you've caught the virus. I'm not sure if the government is happy about a breakthrough cure for Covid. The pill gives you the physical strength to get up from the couch and turn off the news.

The CDC said zoo animals getting Covid indicates the virus may be around a long time. Just yesterday I got an email from the White House, the pharmaceutical industry, the media and the Democratic Party with some exciting news. I've been enrolled in the Variant of the Month Club.

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