• President Biden issued an executive order setting the goal that in eight years one-half the cars sold in the U.S. will be electric. I prefer gas-guzzlers. If your electric car dies on the road miles from the nearest charging station, slap yourself on the forehead and remind yourself you could have had a V-8.
• Major League Baseball teams rushed to sign free agents Monday before talks with the Players Union begin. Next year as a minor league experiment, the Atlantic League will use a computer to call balls and strikes. Instead of yelling at the umpire, the managers will be told to call tech support.
• Jeffrey Epstein's longtime pilot testified Tuesday that the flights aboard The Lolita Express to Epstein Island often included Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew and Donald Trump. Every night these three comedians have the same nightmare. They have to face Gloria Allred on Make Me Laugh.
• Empire star Jussie Smolett went on trial in Chicago for staging a fake hate crime against himself so he'd appear to be a civil rights hero. Jussie hired Nigerians to dress up as Trump supporters and beat him up. If convicted of fraud he could get admitted to USC on a women's soccer scholarship.
• Dr. Fauci rang the alarm Monday, insisting everybody get more boosters to battle the Omicron variant. Local TV news anchors warned that the Omicron variant will take two weeks to get to Los Angeles from South Africa. That's faster than it takes a car to get to Los Angeles from Los Angeles.
• Great Britain reacted quickly to the looming threat and spread of the Omicron Covid Variant Monday as it began to spread north. The British government ordered everyone to wear masks everywhere in public and America may be next. If you're ugly with beautiful eyes, this is your moment.
• The Washington Post posted details in Hunter Biden's laptop exposing his business deals with Ukraine and China. It shows Hunter was influence peddling while Joe was VP and may have cut Joe in on the action. Donald Trump could be impeached a third time just for downloading the article.
• Chris Cuomo was suspended by CNN as details came out revealing him coaching his brother Andrew as sex accusations piled up. Cable news reaction to the suspension was predictable. News video was posted of Tucker Carlson laughing, Greg Gutfeld laughing and Jeffrey Toobin masturbating.
• CNBC Mad Money's Jim Cramer went on a lengthy rant at the end of his Wall Street business show Tuesday demanding that President Biden make vaccines mandatory for all Americans. It gave every viewer an insider trading tip. Jim Cramer is heavily invested in Pfizer and Moderna stocks.
• The World Health Organization issued a warning about the spread of the Omicron variant on Friday, crashing stocks, as mobs of looters raided stores amid the sound of war drums from Russia and China. My question is, where is Morgan Freeman? Shouldn't he be narrating this or something?