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Jewish World Review December 10, 2018 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Kevin Hart's choice as Oscars host drew Hollywood protests because he has engaged in domestic violence and cheated on his wife while she was pregnant and made disparaging remarks about gays. It's a sensitive world. The NFL just suspended Hart six games in case he ever thinks about playing football.
• Hillary Clinton looked absolutely miserable sitting in the front pew of the funeral for George Bush. You felt for her. Sitting to her right were two men who defeated her for president, and to her left was a husband sitting there with an I-have-a-presidential-library-and-you-don't smirk on his face.
• Nancy Pelosi refused to link border wall funding to legalizing the Dreamers' status as offered by Trump Thursday. She's willing to pay for a fence, which gives the migrants a sporting chance into the U.S. Democrats no longer have eight children per marriage to re-stock the party, they order in.
• ABC News reported that a Southwest flight skidded off the runway while landing at Burbank Airport during Thursday's rainstorms in the San Fernando Valley. The passengers are very lucky they were flying Southwest. United would have charged everybody a twenty-five dollar excitement fee.
• The New York Times quoted Elizabeth Warren's aides saying they are astounded she won't apologize for claiming to be Native American. It's been an issue for three years. Elizabeth Warren's only proof her family is Native American is an old family photograph of her as a child, sitting Indian-style.
• The Pentagon was faced with an obesity statistic released Thursday saying that twenty-seven percent of young people are too fat to serve in the U.S. Army. We should allow fat people to serve in the military anyway. We can still fight the Russians in the Ukraine until it starts to get a little hilly.
• PETA declared saying phrases like bringing home the bacon or there's more than one way to skin a cat is racist language. Not true. What's racist is me telling PETA to go to Hell for trying to control what I have to say because any attempt to do so is a violation of my rights as an Englishman.
• PETA said using phrases like killing two birds with one stone is akin to using to racist, sexist, homophobic language. It gets worse. Progressives are demanding that radio stations stop playing the song Baby, It's Cold Outside, not because it promotes date rape, but because it denies global warming.
• NBC News reported Monday that up to forty Democrats are planning to run for U.S. president in two years. The list includes fresh faces and old warhorses. It's being reported that Hillary plans to run, which may not work out when you remember that in the last campaign she couldn't even walk.
• Monica Lewinsky discussed her Clinton affair at a luncheon of young women in show business in L.A. Tuesday. She now gives motivational speeches. If Monica can teach young women anything, it's that if you fall for a powerful man and then blow the whistle on him, the whistle will never object.
• French president Emmanuel Macron retreated on his environmentally-friendly fuel tax that he'd levied to comply with the Climate Accords. A week of Paris burning and rioting from outraged Frenchmen backed him down. It's the first time in modern history that France surrendered to France.
• Mikhail Gorbachev said world peace was in jeopardy Tuesday as Russia threatened to attack Euro countries that host U.S. missiles. The Red Army is mobilizing near the Ukraine border. None of this would be happening if somebody would teach Putin how to go on Twitter and fight like a man.
• U.S.-Russian war tensions this week recall how the U.S. and Russia avoided going to war in the Cuban Missile Crisis. JFK relayed secret messages to Khruschev through Soviet spy Georgi Bolshakov that literally saved world peace. Millennials must think JFK was assassinated for colluding.
• Texas former Congressman Beto O'Rourke finished high on the preferred list of Democratic candidates for president. Progressives are quick to hail a perceived fellow traveler. Three years ago, Vanity Fair named Caitlyn Jenner Woman of the Year and she hadn't even been a woman for a year.
• House of Representatives Millennial freshmen were reported upset that they are not allowed to live in the House of Representatives. They reason that it's a House isn't it? We can always make fun of Congress for being brainless, but they'll be the ones who easily survive the Zombie Apocalypse.
• The CIA gave the Senate evidence that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman murdered Saudi opposition journalist Jamal Khashoggi. The kingdom has a real PR problem. It doesn't look good when Saudi Arabia bans Indiana Jones movies because they promote violence against the Nazis.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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