Jewish World Review Dec. 17, 2008 / 20 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Weather Channel reported a huge mass of cold air sweeping into the Midwest on Sunday. The front was setting new records for low wind-chill temperatures. It was so cold in Chicago that Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling heated Senate seats.
Saturday Night Live was ripped by New York Governor Dave Paterson's office for joking about his blindness. No one knew he was that sensitive. Caroline Kennedy just decided not to do her Stevie Wonder impression when she asks him for the Senate seat.
Barack Obama introduced his Energy and Environmental team at a press conference in Chicago Monday. It was silly for the president-elect to spotlight global warming while it was ten degrees outside. One reporter stood up and threw two snowshoes at him.
Iraqi reporter Muntazer al-Zaidi was hailed in Baghdad Tuesday for throwing his shoes at President Bush's head on television. He's worth a fortune now. The New York Yankees have been looking everywhere for a pitcher who's not afraid to go inside.
The New York Giants showed very little offense in a loss to the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday on NBC. The statistics look terrible. According to the Monday morning newspapers, New York's leading receiver is the bankruptcy firm of Richards, Kibbe & Orbe.
New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon lost five hundred million dollars Friday after a hedge fund manager defrauded him. He put his family fortune in a Ponzi scheme. The invasion of Iraq is no longer the worst mistake ever made by a baseball executive.
Wall Streeter Bernard Madoff confessed to swindling investors out of fifty billion dollars. He worked Jewish country clubs from Long Island to Palm Beach. The victims have just realized they were better off when no one would let them into a country club.
Governor Rod Blagojevich refused to step down from office Monday when Illinois lawmakers began impeachment proceedings. It may take awhile. The legislature is trying to come up with the six hundred thousand dollars he's demanding to resign in disgrace.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton